A feeling question for birth mothers.
I have just been wondering after reading everyone wonderful stories if any other birth mothers have the same feelings as me. I KNOW that giving a baby up for adoption is THE HARDEST decision you will ever have to make. But with me I truly feel that my baby was always meant to be with her family. That I was just a shuttle (so to say) from God to her parents. Does any other birth mothers feel this way? If so, do you think that this made it any easier in your decision for adoption? Or did you come to this feeling afterwards?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Melanie Morales on
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I totally agree with you on this. I have found my son recently - and even though I already felt I'd done the right thing by him, it brought closure - a seal to that peace with my decision. He has had an amazing life he would never have had with me - even now. God has sent me dreams about his life and it's been so fun to find out how true they were!
I know a lot of birth mothers do not feel like this. They feel like they were pressured into their decisions with guilt, blackmail, propaganda, etc. My parents nor the agency I worked with never once pressured me or tried to talk me in to or out of anything. I think that is one reason why I have always felt I made the right decision - I was a vessel that God used. What an honor!
I have huge issues about how things were around the placement - I wish we could have celebrated this life instead of walking around eggshells, not discussing the baby, etc... It was a very dark, hurtful time. I've talked to another birth mom who had a ceremony - placing her child in the hands of God who then turned around and placed it in the family. I think when you give it that perspective - you are giving your child to God - it's easier to trust in the outcome.
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Permalink Reply by Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy on -
At one time, I felt relinquishment was a great sacrafice that made me better and wiser than I would have been for raising my son...but I can't say I ever felt like I was suppose to get pregnant an lose my son by some devine plan.
I have had other people tell me that I was simply a "vessle", but there is no way anymore that I would ever take on any of that ever again. It sure doesn't help the pain of the loss at all...and I know the truth regarding the adoption practices at the time now.. ah, education!
Honestly now.. reliquishment was a method of trying to cheat the gift that I was given in my motherhood. Attempting to rework the true reality and alter the truth. I look back now and what was seen as a disaster at the time,(getting pregnant before I was "ready") should have been seen as a gift I should have embraced..
I lost so much more than should ever have been lost.. I seperated family members, I denied a man his only child, I denied my other children their brother.. and I gave my baby away to kind people, but they were not HIS people...
If anything, muh like the scentific studies regarding reliquishment, over the last 22 years, my decision to relinquish has become more and more painful.. and I regret it more with every passing day..
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Permalink Reply by Ginger on -
Do I feel that my decision to place was chosen by a god or decided by the fates or "meant to be"? No. Not at all. But I do feel that my decision was the best I could have made at that time and in those circumstances. If I could go back, I'd choose adoption again. I don't feel that I was forced or coerced or pressured in anyway by anyone. And that helps me feel in control of the decision and content (NOT happy) with it. I feel that it was the right choice. I would never have signed TPR without knowing that I had explored everything and chosen what I felt was truly best for us.
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Permalink Reply by Amanda Williams on -
I have been keeping up with a lot of your posts and I can say we have very similar feelings. I moved cross country from NC to UT because (I don't want to sound too religious or offending) prayed really hard about where I was supposed to go. My father just re-married and had a son who would the the youngest of 4 in the house and was pretty busy. I knew I had to at first, go somewhere to clear my head and get out of denial. I was in shock and denial about the pregnancy for the first month and half or so.
I stayed with a couple who has done fostering (LDS Family Services) but never could have kids and I later found out birth moms have changed their mind at the last minute. So it was heart breaking. Though, being the only child I was able to have their full attention to myself and my needs.
I moved in October 2006 (I was barley 17) and then decided through prayer and many pro's and con's to parenting vs. placing that it was best for my situation to place. I used my talent of scrap booking to announce I wanted them to adopt this beautiful baby girl. I can brag that I gave them the best Christmas present ever :)
During my whole pregnancy the adoptive mother and I would joke saying "I'm going to come down stairs on Easter Sunday and have my basket and have her. It would be so perfect because it would be the adoptive father's birthday and the family would be in town for Family Party (aka Family home evening) so family would be down to visit"
Well as it turns out, "Bunny" was born Easter Sunday.
There is a movie on Lifetime that I watched called "Mom at 16" and at the end she says (she placed her baby and had an open adoption) "I feel that I was the way for him to find his parents. We all choose our parents and he chose them, I'm his birth mom"
That is 100% how I feel. I feel that "Bunny" was meant for the adoptive couple and seeing her happy (I have an open adoption) is the best feeling in the world :)
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Permalink Reply by Cambria Greer on -
I always knew that's where she belonged. If she went to any other family it wouldn't be right, that is her family. I know what you mean, and I totally agree. =)
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Permalink Reply by Desha Wood on -
absolutely it was a very divine plan, i just had to get him here, he was my little visitor, always meant to be there's, i knew/know that as sure as i have ever known anything, as i was peeing on the pregnancy stick i felt very soundly that this baby was not meant to be mine and i decided to place about a month after i found out i was pregnant after considering all my options. the sureness of that knowledge is confirmed over and over again, it's such a beautiful and miraculous thing!
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Permalink Reply by Barb Combs on -
What a beautiful story! I know that my daughters birth mother did have a lot of sadness but at the same time she was never able to straighten up her life.
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Permalink Reply by Rachel Breza on -
I agree. I often relay the story where I physically handed my son to his Mother. I was overcome with so many emotions at that moment. I knew that I would not allow them to see him until I was SURE that I was going to be able to sign surrenders. I saw the awe and joy and fear in her face as she reached out for him, and then turned to her husband. Both were in tears. They had waited so long to have a child, and here they were, being handed a gorgeous, 2 day old baby boy in perfect health.
I don’t remember a whole lot about the day after that moment. I know we baptized him together as a family (me, my mother, my older sister, and his parents). They brought me 3 dozen roses and a statue of the blessed mother from Medjugorie, Bosnia, where they had gone to pray for me during my pregnancy. Their attorney was super rude to me-my attorney was out of the country, and I had asked her partner from her firm to represent me that day. (I later learned that the Adoptive father took their attorney out of the room and berated her for her attitude.)
I left the hospital that day exhausted, swollen in the face. I carried my roses in my lap as I was pushed to the doors of the hospital. It was obvious that I had just had a child, and was leaving the hospital without him. I was afraid to look anyone in the eye. We had agreed on Pictures, but I was not sure I would ever see him again.
Those first few months were pretty rough. Like Adoption Day, I don’t remember a whole lot. I can’t say that I was happy during that time. I MISSED him. I lost tons of weight, cried a lot. I was back in college a month later, and resented all the girls walking around campus discussing their drama-which really wasn’t drama at all. I thought "You silly little girls. You have no idea what life truly is." I wanted to shake them. I now know that they were simply living a period in their life that I just never really got to have.
A few months later, I received a call from my attorney. Matt and his parents were in her office, having just finalized the adoption in court, and were thanking her for her for her service to me. They wanted to talk to me as well. That day, they told me that they wanted to see me. They felt that my presence in his life was extremely important-if I wanted it.
I was ecstatic! I saw my little one for the first time on December 23, 2002. He was 5 months old. He was gorgeous.
Since that time, we have grown as a family. When they are in town, they come to my house. If we are within a few hours of each other, we meet in the middle. We traveled to Guatemala together-Matt, his mom and I-to finalize the adoption of his new brother.
While the pain of having had a child and placing him for adoption never truly goes away, it no longer defines me. It is simply a part of who I am. I have been able to watch my child grow in a home that thinks he walks on water. He is smart, handsome and happy. He loves me. His parents love me. We are family.
My mother once asked me after a visit “what does it feel like?” I said “well, it feels like he is mine…but that at the same time, he isn’t. He is their son.” It’s really indescribable.
I am so proud to have carried that baby so that they could become a family.
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Permalink Reply by Danielle on -
For me at the time I was still in high school & I had this fantasy in my mind at first that the birthfather & I were going to be this happy little family with our baby. I had a lot of anger toward my parents for "sending me away" to live in a maternity home & so I was really defiant against all of their wishes, which were mostly for me to break up with the birthfather & to place the baby for adoption. I pictured us just taking our daughter & leaving together & never looking back...at first. But then I began to realize that there was more to the equation besides just me & birthfather being together & starting a family...there was going to be a need for childcare, which would've been his VERY UNSTABLE mother, & then the need for income, which I couldn't provide. So I knew deep in my heart that the relationship I had with birthfather was not going to support a vibrant, functional child in the long run. I knew that he was too unstable & so was the rest of his family, who would've been all I had to rely on if I was going to shun my family. I was 8 months along in my pregnancy when all of this FINALLY sunk in. And that is when I made my decision to place my daughter.
It did take me a long time to let go of my anger toward God about my situation at first. I was mad at everyone that I had to place my little girl, my first-born child, the love of my life. I hated my parents, I was angry with God & unfortunately, when I got back to my family's house & back to my high school & church, I found ZERO extra support after what I went through. I was forced into counseling that didn't help me, verbally attacked by many churchgoers, interrogated & refused a job with children at my church because I was "unfit", & harassed by most of my fellow students at school. It was extremely difficult & I felt so alone & so deeply hurt by all of it that it really took me awhile to see the good & the positive in the situation.
But then I eventually hit rock bottom & cried out to God...I felt immediate relief like everything had been lifted off my shoulders & my vision was crystal-clear. After that, I totally turned my life around & decided to become an advocate for adoption. I went back to the maternity home I had stayed at for 9 months of my life & shared my story with their "adoption" classes. I raised money & gathered donations for their facility, helped clean & organize the home, came to all of their "reunion" parties, even spoke at their annual banquet about my experience. It was only then that I really started to acknowledge how fortunate I really was in finding such an amazing family to place my baby girl with. I got pictures & letters until she was a year old (we had a closed adoption) & saw all of the love her new parents & big sister had for her & that was the most incredible gift anyone could have ever given me...it was a gift from God! He has bestowed so many blessings on my life but that was by far, the greatest & I will always be in awe of that! ( :
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Permalink Reply by Danielle on
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What a beautiful story, Rachel! And I especially love the part where you said, "it no longer defines me. It is simply a part of who I am." about placing your baby for adoption. That is such an eloquent description & I can totally relate to reaching that point in my life too ( :
Rachel Breza said:I agree. I often relay the story where I physically handed my son to his Mother. I was overcome with so many emotions at that moment. I knew that I would not allow them to see him until I was SURE that I was going to be able to sign surrenders. I saw the awe and joy and fear in her face as she reached out for him, and then turned to her husband. Both were in tears. They had waited so long to have a child, and here they were, being handed a gorgeous, 2 day old baby boy in perfect health.
I don’t remember a whole lot about the day after that moment. I know we baptized him together as a family (me, my mother, my older sister, and his parents). They brought me 3 dozen roses and a statue of the blessed mother from Medjugorie, Bosnia, where they had gone to pray for me during my pregnancy. Their attorney was super rude to me-my attorney was out of the country, and I had asked her partner from her firm to represent me that day. (I later learned that the Adoptive father took their attorney out of the room and berated her for her attitude.)
I left the hospital that day exhausted, swollen in the face. I carried my roses in my lap as I was pushed to the doors of the hospital. It was obvious that I had just had a child, and was leaving the hospital without him. I was afraid to look anyone in the eye. We had agreed on Pictures, but I was not sure I would ever see him again.
Those first few months were pretty rough. Like Adoption Day, I don’t remember a whole lot. I can’t say that I was happy during that time. I MISSED him. I lost tons of weight, cried a lot. I was back in college a month later, and resented all the girls walking around campus discussing their drama-which really wasn’t drama at all. I thought "You silly little girls. You have no idea what life truly is." I wanted to shake them. I now know that they were simply living a period in their life that I just never really got to have.
A few months later, I received a call from my attorney. Matt and his parents were in her office, having just finalized the adoption in court, and were thanking her for her for her service to me. They wanted to talk to me as well. That day, they told me that they wanted to see me. They felt that my presence in his life was extremely important-if I wanted it.
I was ecstatic! I saw my little one for the first time on December 23, 2002. He was 5 months old. He was gorgeous.
Since that time, we have grown as a family. When they are in town, they come to my house. If we are within a few hours of each other, we meet in the middle. We traveled to Guatemala together-Matt, his mom and I-to finalize the adoption of his new brother.
While the pain of having had a child and placing him for adoption never truly goes away, it no longer defines me. It is simply a part of who I am. I have been able to watch my child grow in a home that thinks he walks on water. He is smart, handsome and happy. He loves me. His parents love me. We are family.
My mother once asked me after a visit “what does it feel like?” I said “well, it feels like he is mine…but that at the same time, he isn’t. He is their son.” It’s really indescribable.
I am so proud to have carried that baby so that they could become a family.
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Permalink Reply by Danielle on
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Claudia, I am soooooo sooooo sorry to hear the sadness that your (misled) choice has brought you. I will pray for you that God will somehow bring peace to your heart & mind. Please look at your decision as it is, a beautiful gift! I know you are feeling much pain & loss & some bitterness, but you MUST know that you did a selfless & honorable thing that took so much courage & strength! You are a beautiful person & what you did provided a better life for the little one you gave up. I truly hope you know this in your heart & that the realization will someday bring you peace.
Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy said:At one time, I felt relinquishment was a great sacrafice that made me better and wiser than I would have been for raising my son...but I can't say I ever felt like I was suppose to get pregnant an lose my son by some devine plan.
I have had other people tell me that I was simply a "vessle", but there is no way anymore that I would ever take on any of that ever again. It sure doesn't help the pain of the loss at all...and I know the truth regarding the adoption practices at the time now.. ah, education!
Honestly now.. reliquishment was a method of trying to cheat the gift that I was given in my motherhood. Attempting to rework the true reality and alter the truth. I look back now and what was seen as a disaster at the time,(getting pregnant before I was "ready") should have been seen as a gift I should have embraced..
I lost so much more than should ever have been lost.. I seperated family members, I denied a man his only child, I denied my other children their brother.. and I gave my baby away to kind people, but they were not HIS people...
If anything, muh like the scentific studies regarding reliquishment, over the last 22 years, my decision to relinquish has become more and more painful.. and I regret it more with every passing day..
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Permalink Reply by Rachel Breza on
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Danielle: You were so young-but so very wise. It seems like you really put all the pieces together at such a young age about what would be required of you to parent your daughter. Sometimes I wish I could burn that into my client's skulls! (ie "Your kids have been removed by the State, you are doing NOTHING to work on your court ordered case plan to get them back. You cant hold down a job, and you have no place to live. You can't afford to take the bus to MD appointments...and youre pregnant again?!?! " )
I never idealized that my son's birthfather would be involved. My mom's first response when I told her I was pregnant was "please dont tell me youre getting married." My family (with the exception of my brother) never knew the birthfather. Hes a good guy-but lets face it- WE were not in the cards. So it was be a single mom, or place for adoption. I remembered my grandmother telling me at a young age "When young girls find themselves 'in trouble,' the best thing that they can do for themselves and for the baby is to place it for adoption." So, that's what I did. I cant say I never entertained the idea of terminating the pregnancy-but as a Catholic, I just couldnt do it. Im Pro-Choice, but that wasnt an option for me.
I was never angry with God-although I pray daily saying 'ok, I did everything you wanted me to do. I made good choices. When are the good things (ie a loving husband and children) going to come my way? I think God trusts me more than I trust myself sometimes.
I was very angry with the establishment. The Catholic Church that was associated FSU provided me NO guidance. I figured everything out on my own-I somehow even decided that I wanted my own attorney to represent my best interests! I ended up getting direction (and finding Matt''s parents) through my sister's parish in another city. Of course God has a plan, and I did end up telling a priest at that church abour 4 years later (after he had given an anti-abortion sermon on Choose Life Sunday) about how unsupportive his parish was, and that, having the Student Center, they should hold some sort of accountability towards the students.
I would have been very angry had my parents "sent me away" (had I been younger) but it sounds like it gave you time to think. How sad that your church, who should have honored you, instead of treating you badly. It makes no sense at all.
Danielle Ginther said:For me at the time I was still in high school & I had this fantasy in my mind at first that the birthfather & I were going to be this happy little family with our baby. I had a lot of anger toward my parents for "sending me away" to live in a maternity home & so I was really defiant against all of their wishes, which were mostly for me to break up with the birthfather & to place the baby for adoption. I pictured us just taking our daughter & leaving together & never looking back...at first. But then I began to realize that there was more to the equation besides just me & birthfather being together & starting a family...there was going to be a need for childcare, which would've been his VERY UNSTABLE mother, & then the need for income, which I couldn't provide. So I knew deep in my heart that the relationship I had with birthfather was not going to support a vibrant, functional child in the long run. I knew that he was too unstable & so was the rest of his family, who would've been all I had to rely on if I was going to shun my family. I was 8 months along in my pregnancy when all of this FINALLY sunk in. And that is when I made my decision to place my daughter.
It did take me a long time to let go of my anger toward God about my situation at first. I was mad at everyone that I had to place my little girl, my first-born child, the love of my life. I hated my parents, I was angry with God & unfortunately, when I got back to my family's house & back to my high school & church, I found ZERO extra support after what I went through. I was forced into counseling that didn't help me, verbally attacked by many churchgoers, interrogated & refused a job with children at my church because I was "unfit", & harassed by most of my fellow students at school. It was extremely difficult & I felt so alone & so deeply hurt by all of it that it really took me awhile to see the good & the positive in the situation.
But then I eventually hit rock bottom & cried out to God...I felt immediate relief like everything had been lifted off my shoulders & my vision was crystal-clear. After that, I totally turned my life around & decided to become an advocate for adoption. I went back to the maternity home I had stayed at for 9 months of my life & shared my story with their "adoption" classes. I raised money & gathered donations for their facility, helped clean & organize the home, came to all of their "reunion" parties, even spoke at their annual banquet about my experience. It was only then that I really started to acknowledge how fortunate I really was in finding such an amazing family to place my baby girl with. I got pictures & letters until she was a year old (we had a closed adoption) & saw all of the love her new parents & big sister had for her & that was the most incredible gift anyone could have ever given me...it was a gift from God! He has bestowed so many blessings on my life but that was by far, the greatest & I will always be in awe of that! ( :
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