A feeling question for birth mothers.
I have just been wondering after reading everyone wonderful stories if any other birth mothers have the same feelings as me. I KNOW that giving a baby up for adoption is THE HARDEST decision you will ever have to make. But with me I truly feel that my baby was always meant to be with her family. That I was just a shuttle (so to say) from God to her parents. Does any other birth mothers feel this way? If so, do you think that this made it any easier in your decision for adoption? Or did you come to this feeling afterwards?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marie A Plantamura on -
Truthfully, if you look at all the adoption sights and read all the posts by adoptees looking for their birth families, it would give you a reason to second think your decision. Sure there are wonderful stories, but there are a lot of sad stories as well. I think children go through life feeling like they were tossed aside by their parents. If it is your decision to adopt, make sure it is an open adoption and that somehow you will let your child know that you loved them enough to get a better life for them. The not knowing of a reason seems to bother most people I have come across.
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Permalink Reply by Sherri Barker on -
I feel exactly the same way. Yes, it was definately THE hardest thing ever. I feel though that it was a trial that was specifically designed for me. I have a good friend with cerebral palsey. She told me when I was going through the whole thing "I'm glad I'm not you". That blew me away, my first thought was I'm glad I'm not you too, but as I thought about it, I feel that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Also, the adoptive mother's mom passed away sometime before I met them, I Iearned that she had promised them a baby on her deathbed, we did the math, I got pregnant within 2 to 4 weeks after she said that. Also, I chose the parents before I had the baby, the adoptive mother has redish hair and blue eyes, so did the little girl I had. Mine are brown/brown and my ex's were brown/green. Those little things may be only coincedental, nevertheless, I do feel it was meant to be. I know there is opposition in all things. There are so many families out there that would never have the chance to be parents without the misfortune of others. It really is
turning your lemons (not the baby, but the circumstances) into lemonade.
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Permalink Reply by Danielle on -
Marie, I don't think you necissarily HAVE to have an open adoption plan for the the child you placed to feel that they are still loved by you. I made a scrapbook & have been keeping a journal for the daughter I placed 8 years ago. I am constantly contacting the agency I went through to update my information & to request letters & pictures. I am not saying that closed adoption is necissarily a great choice either, had I been more educated about what that actually meant I probably would have chosen otherwise. But I believe that the family I placed my little girl with will tell her how very loved she is by me & when she (hopefully) eventually comes to find me, she will see the evidence of that continuing love even though I made the decision not to "interfere" in her life with her new family by visiting.
Marie A Plantamura said:Truthfully, if you look at all the adoption sights and read all the posts by adoptees looking for their birth families, it would give you a reason to second think your decision. Sure there are wonderful stories, but there are a lot of sad stories as well. I think children go through life feeling like they were tossed aside by their parents. If it is your decision to adopt, make sure it is an open adoption and that somehow you will let your child know that you loved them enough to get a better life for them. The not knowing of a reason seems to bother most people I have come across.
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Permalink Reply by Danielle on
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I totally agree, Sherri! There were so many low points along the way during my journey to placing my baby...then MANY more afterward. But you have to make the choice in your heart to look at the positives that come from the situation too. I learned & grew so much. I was angry at first about being "sent away" to a maternity home, but I still keep in touch with the wonderful girls I met there 8 years ago! There were many blessings in disguise...you just have to really search to find them! ( :
Sherri Barker said:I feel exactly the same way. Yes, it was definately THE hardest thing ever. I feel though that it was a trial that was specifically designed for me. I have a good friend with cerebral palsey. She told me when I was going through the whole thing "I'm glad I'm not you". That blew me away, my first thought was I'm glad I'm not you too, but as I thought about it, I feel that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Also, the adoptive mother's mom passed away sometime before I met them, I Iearned that she had promised them a baby on her deathbed, we did the math, I got pregnant within 2 to 4 weeks after she said that. Also, I chose the parents before I had the baby, the adoptive mother has redish hair and blue eyes, so did the little girl I had. Mine are brown/brown and my ex's were brown/green. Those little things may be only coincedental, nevertheless, I do feel it was meant to be. I know there is opposition in all things. There are so many families out there that would never have the chance to be parents without the misfortune of others. It really is
turning your lemons (not the baby, but the circumstances) into lemonade.
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Permalink Reply by Shelley on -
No, this is not how I felt. I believe my son was my son to take care of as best I could. I didn't feel I could provide him all I wanted for him at the time and so chose to place him with a couple who could provide him with all I wanted for him. I however was his mother and made a loving and very difficult decision to part with him. I grieved my entire pregnancy and the first yr of his life..nonstop. I have never regretted my decision but I never felt like I was just a vessel to get him to his parents. I did only consider infertile couples who didn't already have kids as I wanted to make someone's dreams to become parents come true. This however was not the reason I chose adoption, I just felt it an added bonus to be able to make someone else's dreams come true given I was making this decision anyways.
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Permalink Reply by Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy on -
Danielle Ginther said:Claudia, I am soooooo sooooo sorry to hear the sadness that your (misled) choice has brought you. I will pray for you that God will somehow bring peace to your heart & mind. Please look at your decision as it is, a beautiful gift! I know you are feeling much pain & loss & some bitterness, but you MUST know that you did a selfless & honorable thing that took so much courage & strength! You are a beautiful person & what you did provided a better life for the little one you gave up. I truly hope you know this in your heart & that the realization will someday bring you peace.
Thank you Danielle, but noooooo.
That's just not gonna happn here for me. I was at that place already once, and for me, it's not real. It's denying the truth of what the relinquishment experince is for me.
My decision will never be a beautiful "gift" because my child could never be a gift. And if he was meant to be a gift, then he should have been MY gift and I should have accepted it much more gracefully than I did.
Plus, my son, who will be 22 this year, did not really have a "better" life at all. He had a fine life, but he would have had a fine life with me as well surrounded by his grandmother, his uncle, his later siblings, and a father who was more than capable to provide all the necessities plus way more. It was a different life than what he would have had, but by no means trully "better"..in fact, really, all things wold have been equal-so really, he would have had "better" with us.
I have been riding the waves of birthmother grief and loss for all too many years now to expect that anything, even a reunion, can mitigate and make this have been a good decisions for me. In my case, I was indeed foolish and too trusting and allowed my son to slip away. The strenght and courage.. eh, it helped me sleep at night to believe that, but adoption was the easy way out in my head...There will never any peace in that.
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Permalink Reply by Katja Michelle on -
Wow, maybe I'm miss reading your post, but it sounds like you're content being viewed as a walking womb. I do not view myself as a mere "shuttle" to get my son to his family. My son is a happy healthy boy with a great family and a great life but that doesn't mean I was a only pawn in some grand scheme to get him to his parents. I am the first mother he ever had and to me that is so much more than being a walking womb. As his mother I took care of him for the 9 months I carried him. As his mother I struggled with my options and came a decision about what I thought would be best for him with the information I had at the time. As his mother I love him with all my heart. As his mother I would die for him. And yes as his mother I am glad that since I decided to sign those papers that my choice in parents for him turned out well. I am happy they love him and he loves them, but those positive feelings do not make me, "just a shuttle".
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Permalink Reply by Katja Michelle on
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no I don't think I'm being harsh. I actually began my post stating that I may be mis-reading your post and then responded to to my interpretation of your questions and ummm actually you did use those exact words 4th sentence in the original post, "That I was just a shuttle (so to say) from God to her parents."
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Permalink Reply by miki esplin on -
Those comments make me cry as I can not imagine the pain but I do feel love for all of u incredible women. I hope to have a birth mom who is open to b a part of the childs life, and if not i will honor it.
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Permalink Reply by Amanda Williams on -
I felt that way to an extent. But things for me happened so fast and so in a weird way I know things felt like they were meant to be. But I understand where you're coming from, I feel like that now from time to time.
Shelley said:No, this is not how I felt. I believe my son was my son to take care of as best I could. I didn't feel I could provide him all I wanted for him at the time and so chose to place him with a couple who could provide him with all I wanted for him. I however was his mother and made a loving and very difficult decision to part with him. I grieved my entire pregnancy and the first yr of his life..nonstop. I have never regretted my decision but I never felt like I was just a vessel to get him to his parents. I did only consider infertile couples who didn't already have kids as I wanted to make someone's dreams to become parents come true. This however was not the reason I chose adoption, I just felt it an added bonus to be able to make someone else's dreams come true given I was making this decision anyways.
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Permalink Reply by Amanda Williams on
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I don't think you're being harsh, its how you feel and not everyone's feelings are the same on things. I understand where you're coming from because I have had mixed feelings like it was meant to be to I am the birth mother...and I wanted the best for her.
Katja Michelle said:no I don't think I'm being harsh. I actually began my post stating that I may be mis-reading your post and then responded to to my interpretation of your questions and ummm actually you did use those exact words 4th sentence in the original post, "That I was just a shuttle (so to say) from God to her parents."
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