Adoption Voices

Hello,

I adopted a child 8 years ago from Russia who is now 9 years old. Unfortunately, it is not working.

 

He can be the best boy but he can also be the worst. I am divorced and we don't have a connection. It doesn't work with he an I and I don't expect that it ever will.

 

I don't have other children and I don't have a religous background - which I think he needs both of. He needs a family with lots of other kids and 2 patient tolerant parents who are both patient and a mother who is nurturing and will do what every mother is expected to do.

 

He has ADHD and can be very difficult at times for someone that just doesn't have the patience or calm demeanor.  For someone who is cut out to be a mom, they would have an easier time of it.

 

I am working with an agency to try to place him into another home.  If anyone here knows of anyone that is able to help or interested in this situation, please respond with any advice or information you have.

 

Thanks

Views: 265

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

It's apples and oranges though. A crisis teen pregnancy is nothing like the disruption of an adoptive placement of an older child with multiple dxs.

AND, this is not 1960 or 1970. Young women are raising their babies in great numbers. There's not that awful "unwed mother" stigma attached to teen parents much anymore, especially among their peers where it counts the most to teens. There are financial supports out there: WIC, Medicaid, section 8 housing, job training, subsidized education and daycare, food stamps, etc. No mother or baby has to go without shelter or food or medical care or an education. Emotional support she can't get at home? She can join a church or a mother's group or get online like we all are. No mother HAS to place a child, or can be forced to place one. She can however, have that child removed if she doesn't take care of it properly.

Despite all the government help available to keep families intact, and mothers with their babies, the cycles of neglect and child abuse still continue. There are roughly half a million (500,000) emotionally damaged and hurting children in the US fostercare systems waiting on a second chance at a family because the first family who chose keeping them over adoption when it would have been the better option, neglected and/or abused them and had them forcibly removed. Most children will not get that forever family... because they are too old or have far too many problems for the average adoptive parent to deal with. The pool of available adoptive parents willing to take on that kind of challenge is extremely small. They do not feel like they can take on and "fix" the damage that the birth parents and the system inflicted on these poor children. They want babies who still have a chance at a normal life, and them a normal parenthood. I won't even get into the numbers of babies and children floundering in U.S. fostercare right now whose parents still have their parental rights intact but are not fit to parent them, and whose children have no permanent home, but feel their foster parent is their "Mommy". It is in the millions. These are all the children who should have been placed at birth, rather than their parent(s) "try" to raise them, damage them, then let the system and new family try and pick up the pieces. They are not social experiments! They are our future. One is my own son. :-/

The original poster's child has a dx of FAS. That is fetal alcohol syndrome. That is brain damage inflicted directly by his birth mother. Whether his birth mother had emotional or financial supports to keep him or not, he'd still be damaged.

If you adopt a child (any age - baby, toddler, preteen or teen) you also adopt whatever issues they may have -- medical, psychological, emotional, neurological, etc. Are teen moms equipped for all that, when even an adoptive parent, who had some training and had to have known these issues could arise, can't manage as illustrated above?

Show me a young mom living on welfare, raising a child with severe behaviors brought on by adhd, autism, FAS, prenatal drug exposure and exposure to domestic violence. That at-risk pregnancy just became an at-risk child.

In reality, it has very little to do with financial or emotional support to keep an unplanned child - healthy or otherwise. Millions of girls are doing it. It has to do with whether that is the best environment to raise a child, and has to do with whether that mother is emotionally prepared to advocate for, and sacrifice almost everything -- including herself for a time if need be - to parent that child.


Susie said:
GREAT comment!!! Everybody telling the OP that she is the child's mother, telling her to raise her child. What support she is getting to parent her child.
I would love to see the day when a scared girl/woman facing an unexpected pregnancy can get this kind of encouragement & support. Most girls choosing adoption would never consider it if they had such great support, if she was given all the options for help in raising her child. Instead, most are looked at only as a source for another baby for the adoption industry. They are deemed too young, too poor, and just by the fact that she is considering adoption is looked at as unfit to raise her own child.
Missy Romeis said:
Would we all be so quick to judge if she was a birthmom placing for adoption?


where r u? we we can consider it?
Hopefully, the agency can help you. It is a sad story for everyone involved and it is upsetting for all to read. It is a moral dilemna and i am sure that you got that from the responses. But who are we to judge? as adoptive parents we all say this is what I know I would do and cant imagine doing.
The fact that it has gotten this far to the point of looking for another home for him is hard to recover from. I dont see a way to turn back from this now because I believe that adoption for a special needs kids has a renewal aspect to keep recommitting to parenting. It is real rough. You sound like you are no longer resolved to parent him any longer and it would be in his best interest because you feel this was to find him a committed parent.
If he was in the fostercare system at age 8 or 9 he would be with a group of kids that get shuffled around his whole life without ever finding a forever family.
If this was to happen to him because you are not resolved to parent him and he was removed for parenting issues this would tragic for him.
It is better that a caseworker is notified and the situation is worked through in hopes of finding a forever family that will truly be a forever thing for him rather than have the situation out of control and have others have to step in a remove him from your care.
We should not judge less we be judged, but please do not expect much compassion or understanding with this even from those who have same age children with similiar struggles.
But hopefully there will be prayers for the best possible outcome for all involved.
Eileen,
It doesn't matter whether adopted or birth child - if there is a relationship that doesn't work for so many reasons, I would stilll look at what is a best case family for him - a home life that could be beneficial. it's not a 'step up to the plate' thing it is a 'dont break the plate'. It is to find a home with someone that could provide him with what he needs instead of him being in a justice system that would add to failure.

eileen marter said:
you've had this child for 8 years...and now you want to give him away..? What if you birthed him yourself and he had the same problem would you also seek to give him away? you have raised him since he was one...You are his mother. Step up to the plate..
I have information on adoption disruption. Feel free to email me, I am glad to help with info, etc.

Rose :)
Can you tell those of us interested in actually providing resources and assistance where you are located? Please ignore the rude comments you have received in your time of need.
You havent responded. We may be able to help you, trully. We have fostered over 40 children. Please email me.
Rose
Wow this is though... No matter how your child came to you they are yours.... I truley hope the author is speaking from her heart not her tired overwhelmed head... Children are not disposable, if a plan for their life has to be made the first thing that should be taken into consideration is the child. Simple words....Would he benifit from finding a new family? Very Sad all around!

I am the Mom of Children who came to be mine at an older age... A couple are doing well, one is working hard to overcome the fact that she had no voice in that desicion... A life like hers is a hard thing to watch.

Anita, please try EVERYTHING you can... And be very honest with your son, give him a voice. 9 year olds are much smarter than you think!
Have you or are you working with www.chask.org? They list with parents and agencies etc to help find homes for children. Including situations such as yours. You might also contact Adopt America Network in Ohio. Best wishes
Terrie
Hello, Anita!
I hope they can help you: http://www.ranchforkids.org/

Reply to Discussion

RSS

Sponsors

Photos

Loading…
  • Add Photos
  • View All

Members

© 2014   Created by Adoption Voices.

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service