I am adopted
Im 14 years old and me an my twin brother were adopted when we were babies, I have known for a long time now, but I still feel hurt and unwanted. We have a box that our birthfamily gave to my mum and dad, it has little items, some pictures and letters. Sometimes when my parents are out I look in the box and read the letters, they are really sad, they say how they all love us but we had to be adopted. My birth mum was 19 and living at home, and not with our birthdad anymore. All of the letters are from our birthfamily, but not one was from our birthmum. I know my mum and dad feel sad when i talk to them about it, so i dont. I dont know what to feel. Sad, but happy because we have a loving adopted family now.
I dont know what to think,
How can I cope?
xx
Views: 496
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Susie on -
Oh Claire, I am so sorry you are hurting and confused over your adoption. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be adopted. How wonderful that you have a few things from your birth family, although very bittersweet since there is nothing from your mom there.
I am a first mom, so I can only give you advice from that side of adoption. First I want to tell you that I and every first mom I know has always and will forever love their children lost to adoption. It seems odd to me that there are letters from others, but not your mom. Maybe it was so very hard for her to let you and your brother go, it was too hard for her to put her feelings & thoughts onto paper. I hate to be cynical, but maybe someone chose not to give her letter to you (the adoption agency, social workers, her parents...). Maybe she wrote a letter after relinquishing you, but the agency did not forward it to your parents? There are so many possibilities, but only your (first) mom can answer the question "why".
Have you talked to your parents about your questions regarding your first mom & family, your adoption lately? I know some parents wait until they are asked specific questions about the adoption/first family. At the same time, the adoptee is scared to be the one to bring it up, fearful that their parents will be upset if the first family is brought up. I think that maybe your parents are worried for you, don't like to see you hurting, and that is why they seem sad when you bring it up. Sometimes, even for adults, it is really hard to talk about some things, but once you start talking about the difficult issues, it gets easier.
Other than that, I really don't have any wise advice for you. Just know that your first mom is probably out there, missing & wondering about you as much as you miss/wonder about her. I thought of my son always, loved him always, prayed that he was happy with his family. I chose adoption ONLY because I thought it would be best for him; it was not because I did not want him, nor because I didn't love him completely. I did not know at the time, (and maybe this is also true for your first parents) that adoption could be hard on my son.
I'm happy for you that you have a loving family, and that you are with your brother. By the way, I also have a twin brother! We have our own birthdays though ~ I was born just before midnight, he was born after midnight!
All my love ~ and prayers that you find a way to deal with all your unanswered questions.
Susie
-
Permalink Reply by michelle on -
I'm sorry you're hurting Claire. I think in the great majority of cases, moms who relinquish love their children but are in situations desperate enough where they either can't see parenting as a viable option or it really isn't an option for them. It can feel like rejection to some adoptees, but the moms I know love their children and grieve their loss.
I'm sorry you don't have any letters from your birth mom, but what a blessing to have some from other members of your birthfamily. : )
Talking about adoption can be difficult. It's hard for parents to see their children hurting. Some parents don't know what to say, and sometimes they feel uncomfortable. Hopefully communication will open up between you and your parents. It's ok to feel both sad and happy. Of course you can be happy that you have your family, and can appreciate all the goodness of loving them and being loved by them...and you can still hurt for what was lost too.
(((hugs)))
-
Permalink Reply by Missy Romeis on -
Just another idea when it comes to talking with your parents. If you find it difficult to talk with them try writing them a letter.
-
Permalink Reply by Brittany on -
Hi my name is Brittany Siburg. I am 16 years old and i was adopted from Seoul, Korea in 1994. I really struggled with being adopted. I felt the same way, that talking about my birth parents would make my adoptive parents sad, especially my mom. I always wondered about my birth parents and why they gave me up. i hated not looking like my parents and being the odd one out. I felt the same exact way, being sad but feeling that i should be happy because i was adopted into a family who loves me. Adoption actually was a trigger that sent me into depression. I got professional help and learned a ton of new coping ways. I wrote letters to my birth parents and told them everything I've wanted to say, as if i was meeting them face to face. If you would like to hear some of my coping skills message me when you have time
-
Permalink Reply by Jan on
-
Seeing your post right now comes at an ironic time for me. Lately, as a birth mom, I have been trying to tell some amoms that adoption does affect adoptees.....not all in the same way, but, for many it is a difficult issue to struggle with. Some amoms simply seem unable to acknowledge that adoption has many sides to it.
I have great empathy for the struggles that many adoptees face. As a reunited birth mom, found by my son, I wish that society acknowledged the pain and difficulties inherent in adoption. All we can do to help is to keep telling our stories. Only we have the power to change the future of adoption.
Most birth moms I know love and wanted their children. Adoption was not what they wanted. I dream for a day we respect the mother and child bond more, and stop encouraging adoptions that do not need to occur. Of course, some adoptions may be necessary, but, some just never should happen.
-
Permalink Reply by Deesmom on -
Claire, I'm adopted(as an infant) and have adopted. I totally get the struggles you are having when it comes to talking to your parents about your birth family etc. I felt the same way growing up-it was uncomfortable and I would often get really angry and lash out....And what I've come to realize is....adoptees will never really have all the answers they are looking for....but you can hold onto what you have now with letters/pictures from your birth family etc...which is a huge plus considering I don't have anything at all from my birth family etc. You will always wonder what life would have been like if you had been raised with your birth mother. But if you dwell on all the what ifs....it will really affect your life. I think if you sit down and ask your parents to understand where you are coming from...how you are sad about having nothing from your birth mom...maybe they can help you through this process. Often times, I think if you are completely open and honest about your feelings....it really does help others to understand what you're going through. If you keep it all in...it only festers. And like I said before.....unfortunately, adoptees will never have all the answers....but knowing you have a wonderful loving family that you care about.....will help you through the rough times.
And Jan.....Adoption for you or other birth mothers may have been something you didn't want...but you made the choice.....if you have regret, that is something you have to deal with....and not make an adoptee feel guilty for your decisions because that's what it feels like.....and to say that some adoptions shouldn't have happened.....I could say the same thing about a biological family raising their child.....they shouldn't. Facts prove that all the time.
-
Permalink Reply by Robert David Lonsdale on -
Hi Claire,
I was adopted when I was 2 years old. Apparently my mother (who was not with my birth father) wanted to keep me but was convinced by her family to give me up for adoption because she was too young to take care of me. This indecisiveness (she finally decided on adoption when i was 6 months) was not so good for me as i was in foster care til I was 2. I happen to think she (my birth mother) made the wrong decision because i'm so awesome lol. I think it is difficult choice to make and my guess is she was trying to do what what she thought was best for you. I think you should not feel unwanted. It sounds like by the letters they would very much look forward to meeting you one day. I bet it was just too difficult for your mom to write a letter. It's nice you have a family that loves you and cares about you & maybe one day you will have two?
-
Permalink Reply by Jan on
-
I have dealt with my guilt, and you're right, it is something I needed to do.
To say that some adoptions should never happen is simply my honest opinion. It was not meant in any way as a jab aimed at adoptees, nor to imply they should be blamed for anything. I apologize if that is what you feel I intended. It makes no sense to me that an adoptee should feel any guilt for my decision, or for any decisions made involving an adoption.
Perhaps I should have simply responded to what Claire said and offer some comfort to her. I think her mixed feelings are normal and not unusual and that she needs to know that. I think it is sad that she cannot talk to her aparents about her feelings because it makes them sad. I know there are many aparents that can and do talk about adoption and I wish that for her sake that hers could.
As for feeling hurt and unwanted, I can only say that the child I relinquished was loved and wanted. Plus, I believe the same is true for most children relinquished. I cherish the fact that I am now reunited and my child has no doubt about how I feel.
Deesmom said:...... And Jan.....Adoption for you or other birth mothers may have been something you didn't want...but you made the choice.....if you have regret, that is something you have to deal with....and not make an adoptee feel guilty for your decisions because that's what it feels like.....and to say that some adoptions shouldn't have happened.....I could say the same thing about a biological family raising their child.....they shouldn't. Facts prove that all the time.
-
Permalink Reply by Anita Renee on
-
Claire,
I think you are feeling what most teenage adoptees feel. When I was 15 or 16 years old, I really wondered about my birth mom. I said things to my parents that unfortunately upset them, especially my mom - about finding my 'real' mom. I was angry and upset that I didn't know much about my 'real' parents.
What I didn't realize until later in life is that I did know a lot about my 'real' parents because I was living with them every day. But, that didn't happen until I was older and mature enough to understand adoption and why it happens. Even though you feel hurt and sad now, know that you are loved by these parent that 'chose' you and your brother and that is the best set of parents that you can have. Know that it probably hurt your birth parents to have to place you but that they did it out of their love and desire for your happiness. Know that you probably have the best parent, biological or not, that you could have asked for.
You are your own individual not based on who gave birth to you or even who you live with now, but because of what is inside your heart- that will give you happiness in whatever family you are in.
-
Permalink Reply by Kelly on -
I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I am an adoptive mom myself, and I would hope that my son would always feel he can talk to me about anything. What really stood out to me in your post is that you cannot talk to your adoptive parents about it because they feel sad. Your feelings still need to be addressed and you still need to get your feelings out. I am glad you posted on here, instead of keeping your feelings bottled up inside which is never good. I wish I could tell you how to cope and I am hopeful that you will get responses from some adoptees they may be able to help. I know that although you may feel sad please always know your birth mom gave you life, which is so precious and tells of much love.
-
Permalink Reply by Erin Amadeus on -
i was adopted from birth through a closed adoption. my parents always talked about me being adopted and i too sometimes felt a little lost. its such an awkward position to be in. but when i look at them , they are my family. ive talked to my birthmother once almost a year ago and there was no click (this doesnt always happen). she had a daughter before me and a daughter after. it seems like you know that times were hard for you mother, and mine had a hard time as well. me and my birthsisters get along very well (i was an only child in my adoptive family so it was really weird) but it made me realize even more my family that raised me is wonderful. that i was adopted and i have blood family out there but i have been able to make my own. through my adoptive parents and our family and their friends. its sad to think "what would it have been like..." but at the same time theres a chance the present could have been missed.
im pregnant now and adopting this child out to a wonderful family that cant have children of their own. this will be their first child. and from that aspect i can say, maybe writing a letter was too hard for her. i struggle every day. i know me and my significant other are doing the best thing and were blessing a family with this little lovebug but i feel horrible. i am the mother of this child, im carrying him, but i cant take care of him. ive started drafts of letters to him for when hes older, but i stumble over it. its like my heart is so full that its cutting off my brain haha. but i hope that this baby can feel what i felt when i grew up plus my boyfriend and i's unconditional love (were doing an open adoption)
i dont know if this has helped you out at all, my brain is all over. but hopefully you dont feel too alone. and maybe my story has helped you some. and feel free to add me or email me or whatever.
© 2013 Created by Adoption Voices.
