i need the peace of mind and find birth parents.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by shannon clark on -
Hi welcome. I understand that you want to know where you come from. I didn't know I was white until I got my noninfo ID from the state. Have you written away for that yet? As old as you are you should be able to have your parents understand. Just talk to them with your heart. Maybe you could have a neutral 4th party there also. They might also have information for you to search with. You probably should let them know it is for your knowledge not to hurt them. There are lots of free websites and search angels out there. I had a wonderful one. I won't lie and tell you it is easy. It is hard,frustrating and emotionally hurtful sometimes. Just remember some have good endings and some don't. You have to be realistic. Let me know if I can help you.
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Permalink Reply by vincent ruz on -
thanks shannon! i havent written anything yet. sigh. but i guess i should start writting. i just cant tell them in person. i duno, they wont be mad or anything but it will be a little awkward i guess. i do think that they know how to find my real parents, but im not entirely sure. i cant wait to see where i came from. ive been dreaming bout this.
shannon clark said:Hi welcome. I understand that you want to know where you come from. I didn't know I was white until I got my noninfo ID from the state. Have you written away for that yet? As old as you are you should be able to have your parents understand. Just talk to them with your heart. Maybe you could have a neutral 4th party there also. They might also have information for you to search with. You probably should let them know it is for your knowledge not to hurt them. There are lots of free websites and search angels out there. I had a wonderful one. I won't lie and tell you it is easy. It is hard,frustrating and emotionally hurtful sometimes. Just remember some have good endings and some don't. You have to be realistic. Let me know if I can help you.
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Permalink Reply by Susie on
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Your urge to want to know where you came from is completely normal! A great quote regarding finding your roots is "I cannot be at peace until I have all the pieces". I am a first mom, who was reunited last year with my then 29 year old son.
I think you need to start your letter by telling your parents how much they mean to you, that they will always be your parents, you will never love them any less ~ as a matter of fact some adoptees have grown to love their adoptive parents more with their support and help in finding their birth family. Let them know you are not looking to replace them, you are just looking for answers to your ancestry, your history, your first chapter in life. Tell your parents that you would love to be able to talk to them about your adoption, your first family, but that you are scared to hurt them. My analogy is that just as a parent can love more than one child (without taking love from the first child to make enough love for the second), the same goes for loving more than one mother and one father.
Have you done any reading to help you cope with all you have learned/will learn about adoption reunion? You are also dealing with being a late-discovery adoptee ~ you have only had a few years of knowing you were even adopted. It will be a great help to you, I think, if you are aware of the issues you and your first parents will be coping with when reunion happens. I know for myself & my son, we were completely unprepared for the reality of reunion ~ it is quite a roller-coaster ride! Amazing, but very emotional & confusing sometimes.
Message me if you would like some suggestions for reunion resources, reading, websites & blogs to help you on this journey. Good luck with talking/writing to your parents about this, and on your search & reunion.
Susie
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Permalink Reply by Suzanne M. Gaccione on
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Hello! I have found both of my birthparents and while it wasn't always easy, being honest is the best way to go. Tell your mom what you are doing and let her know how you feel. Knowing who you are and where you come from is important and plays a role in who you are. Good luck and let us know what happens. There are lots of ears here to lean on!
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Permalink Reply by vincent ruz on
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suzanne, i appreciate it thanks! i will surely let you know. i will do it soon. im starting to write the letter. :)
susie, wow. a lot of what you said will surely helped me. thanks! you are exactly right. i just want answers. (btw i hope its ok if i use some of your words)
im surely gona tell them soon, i dont want to wait any longer. it might be too late.
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Permalink Reply by Kelly on -
I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I am an adoptive mom through private adoption. I think it is only natural for you to want to see or find out about your birth parents. It saddens me that you cannot feel open with your adoptive parents with your feelings. Please don't continue to keep everything bottled up inside. You need to be honest with your adoptive parents tell them you love them, but this is something you need to do. I think sometimes for some adoptive parents they feel threatened which is so unfair to the adoptee. I hope they will be supportive of you. For me, it is of great importance for my son to know of his birth parents. Thankfully my son's birth mom and I still have a strong bond. My son is only 5, but if and when he wants to know of his birth parents I will be behind him for much support. I hope you find your birth parents, and your peace....
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Permalink Reply by vincent ruz on
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thank u. :) i am planning on telling my mom soon. i just dont want her to feel that i will ever leave her or feel threatened. im just really scared of hurting my moms feelings. i want her to know that i just want to see where i came from. im not looking for my real parents because i already have them. :)
Kelly said:
I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I am an adoptive mom through private adoption. I think it is only natural for you to want to see or find out about your birth parents. It saddens me that you cannot feel open with your adoptive parents with your feelings. Please don't continue to keep everything bottled up inside. You need to be honest with your adoptive parents tell them you love them, but this is something you need to do. I think sometimes for some adoptive parents they feel threatened which is so unfair to the adoptee. I hope they will be supportive of you. For me, it is of great importance for my son to know of his birth parents. Thankfully my son's birth mom and I still have a strong bond. My son is only 5, but if and when he wants to know of his birth parents I will be behind him for much support. I hope you find your birth parents, and your peace....
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Permalink Reply by Kelly on
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All you can do is be open and honest, with your mom. I would hope she would understand how you feel. As an adoptive mom myself I would never want my son to suffer and keep his feelings bottled up inside, for fear of how I would feel if he wanted to see his birth parents. I would most definitely support him. I hope and pray your mom understands and realizes this is not done to hurt her, but for you to find peace.
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Permalink Reply by Monique De La Oz on -
Freedom of expression is necessary. It takes a courage to start your adoption journey. Given the circumstances, I think that regardless of what medium you use your adoptive parents are going to feel "a certain type of way". I would hope that for the betterment of your life scope and closure to questions you may have that they would support you. Just because there's silence doesn't mean there's love and support to get you through the next phase of your life. I wish you strength, courage and patience.
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Permalink Reply by redhillchris79 on
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Hi Vincent !!!!
I am 32 and was never really told about being adopted by my adoption parents. I found out when I was about 21 through another person but really didn't give it any though or importance. i do now as I am now a father and see things differently.
To make things harder, i accidentally forund a document regarding my adoption. it had my real name on it. This was in August 2011. I started to feel an urge to find my real mother and so i put myself to work on finding her. It took my TWO WEEKS and I was in contact with her. SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT !!! I met her and my sister in November and have been in contact since. I am sooo happy !!!
the thing is, I am in the same position as you ( with slight differences of course ). I know what my story is by my real mother, but as I haven't been told by my adoption parents it makes things hard to make a decision on how to talk to them, when to talk to them etc. I am scared of what may happen when i have this conversation and im 32 !!!!!!!
I suggest you be true to what you want and honest with your parents as it is totally normal to want to know, after all its your RIGHT to know and want to meet them. However, you must take into consideration one thing ..... do you know if your biological parents would want to be seen or found ?? I don't mean to hurt you with this question, but lets suppose that in the the end your parents accept your wishes and help you find your biological family and they don't want to know you or see you. It would be heartbreaking for you. Im only saying this so as you don't get hurt on your quest as we adoptees have been through enough to have to be hurt again, don't you think ??
I wish you the best on your journey to finding the peace you are looking for. be strong and courageous but most importantly be yourself as no one can take that away from you, no matter what your name is or who anyone else is.
All the best my friend !!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Kelli Knight Franklin on
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My heart breaks for you and your family. As an adoptive mother myself, there have been many difficult decisions to make along the way of dealing with this issue. I chose to be open and honest with my son. He is Hispanic and I am White. Jonathan came home when he was 22 months old and is now 13. We have always celebrated adoption and even have a special Adoption Day Party for him the day his adoption was official. This along with our tradition day of putting up the tree on December 7th because that is the day he came home. Jonathan has asked many questions along the way. I have always given him age appropriate answers. Then one day the big questions came. Can I meet my birth parents? I bravely said of course and we began looking for them together. That is the key. Allow your adoptive parents to be a part of the process. Jonathan has no guilt because he can talk to me about his fears and his hurts and even the disappointment when his birth father failed to show. I can grieve this loss with him. I am not saying your adoptive family will go along with this, but give them a chance. There is nothing more scarey than the thought of losing your child. No matter what celebrate your adoption. It is a huge and wonderful part of who you are. Your birth parents got you here and for that I am certain your adoptive parents must be grateful. I wouldn't write a letter to your mom, just tell her how you feel. Be open and honest, just as you are asking them to do. Tell them you want them to experience this with you, but you have decided it is happening one way or another and that you really need them. They just want to know you see them as your parents, I'm sure.
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