seeking info from other birthmoms
Hi there, this is sort of an open call to other birthmoms. I'm in the process of placing a baby up for adoption, and I wanted some advice mostly.
my boyfriend(the birthfather) and I have been discussing some things, and I wanted to know other people's experiences. When you gave birth, did you hold the baby? did you nurse? was there some things you really regret doing, regret NOT doing?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Karine Mikesell on -
Places to check are....
http://openadoptionmatters.blogspot.com/
http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/
these sites might help you. I also have some birth mom friends... on the openadoptionmatters blog, there is a birth mom panel. All of those ladies have placed and I know them. Each unique and different.
Just know as a birth mom you have rights. Some of the birth moms I know stayed in the hospital as long as they could... One took her baby home for a week and then placed from her house to the family she chose. I don't think any of the birth moms nursed but can check on that. If you do, this could start your milk to come in and that will not be fun for you.
I know some of them have told me they wish they had a list of WHAT OPEN ADOPTION MEANT ...even a contract with the adoptive couples. Because OPEN TO YOU and OPEN to the adoptive couple could mean two different things.... so really asking that question is good. "WHAT DOES OPEN MEAN TO YOU?"
All my birth mom friends did hold their babies. Only one that i know held the baby and then just placed it with the adoptive couple. She didn't even keep the child while she was in the hospital.
Its all about what you feel you want out of this. If you want time with the baby... take it. If you want pictures... take them. If you want open... like VISITS, email, pictures.... say it and make sure what you want is what the adoptive couple wants too.
I am not a birth mom, I am a mom. I have many birth mom friends who have all blessed my life. I know that adoption affects more than just the birth mom... sometimes the birth grandparents, aunts,uncles, siblings and I did not mean to leave out birth father and his family. If you want to talk ever, email me. :)
I wish you the best in your journey. :) Hope some of that helped.
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Permalink Reply by chelsea walton on -
Thanks for getting back to me, I appreciate. The father and I just spent about 7 hours yesterday with our adoption licensee, and she REALLY helped make us feel comfortable. Almost all of the parents she has in her files want a LOT of openness with the adoption, which is great, it gives us some more leeway in our choices.
Wish us luck on our journey!
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Permalink Reply by Jennilee on -
Hi Chelsea-
I understand your questions and it's good to ask and get as much info as possible before hand. I placed my son 6 years ago. I had the two days in the hospital with my son. I fed him, changed him, held him, sang to him and tooks tons of pictures. I only had my family visit me in the hospital as I wanted it to be my special time with my son. I did try to nurse at first but didn't have enough milk so I stopped and used a bottle. The thing I wish I had is one on one time with my son. My sister stayed with me and i'm grateful for her support and love but I do wish I would have had some alone time to just talk to him and tell him I love him. I also had a birth plan and what I wanted during labor etc. I agree that you need to write down what you want in openness but make sure you are both open to change because you may not know what you need till after the fact. If you have any more questions feel free to send me a message. Much love to you.
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Permalink Reply by chelsea walton on
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Hey thanks for the responses. I discussed it with my doctor, and she suggested that I not nurse, just because it would cause a world of discomfort after the baby is placed.
Does anyone have any other advice?
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Permalink Reply by Gina Crotts on -
I placed almost 10 years ago now, I didn't nurse and would recommend not nursing, but it is up to you. I had 3 days in the hospital with my baby and still didn't feel ready, so I ended up taking my baby home with me. It was a neat experience for my family to come over, hold her, take pictures with her and love her before we said goodbye. The following morning I was ready to place... so much so that I thought if I waited another day I wouldn't be able to let her go.
I think you have to listen to your feeling, trust in those feelings and realize this is YOUR time with your baby. You will know what you can handle and you will know when you are ready. Always remember the reasons why you chose to place in the first place. You're in my prayers!
My Blog
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Permalink Reply by Emmy A. on -
I nursed my daughter in the hospital. I knew how important it was for her to have the colostrum and I couldn't imagine denying her anything that I could give. She roomed in with me, never left my side, was barely out of my arms for the 24 hours we were in the hospital. Her parents visited briefly but I didn't want them there for long. That was my time.
We left the hospital together with my counselor driving. I took her to her parents' house and saw her settled in her room before saying goodbye. Taking her there myself, putting her to bed in their house was a good closure for me. I was ready to sign TPR a few days later.
I pumped milk for her after for 6 months and saw her briefly each week when the parents came to pick it up. By the time I was done pumping, I was ready to be DONE. Ready to have some distance. But it was a good transition.
She will turn two in March. I see them once every 6-8 weeks now, I go there and babysit so her parents can have a night out. In between visits, we Skype twice a month or so, just for 10 or 15 minutes. I enjoy just having the camera pointed at them so I can watch her and her mother playing on the floor.
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Permalink Reply by Sheyann on -
Hi Chelsea,
I'm not a birthmother, but I have an adopted son, Andrew... so this may not be the point of view you're hoping for...... but, here is just some thoughts on our son's adoption:
Andy's BM, "N," contacted us after he was born through a relative. Throughout the first night of his life, Andy was nursed by N and stay with her in the hospital, which is common. Even when we were in the room, she held the baby, fed the baby, and cared for the baby. We were called the morning after he was born, the day they were discharged.... and then met them both then (we had NO idea before hand). They were discharged from the hospital together and met us at the relatives house. She was able to hold him and feed him, and then handed him to us so we could take him to our home. Due to her decision, once we left with Andy, we no longer have any contact with her at all.... for her safety. Our adoption story really isn't typical though.
I personally feel Emmy's (previous post) adoption experiences are beautiful and perfect (pretty much what we're hoping for with our next adoption). One of the most important things we focus on with Andy is that his birthmother loved him and that she still loves him, despite the lack of contact. That is an INCREDIBLY difficult thing to do!!!! We never want him to feel that he was "abandoned" or "unwanted." We had a hardcover book printed for him about "Andy's Adoption Story" that talks about his birthmother and our journey together.
We feel that the more open we are with him, the more peace and acceptance he'll feel towards adoption and his birthmother also. Emmy's daughter will always know her birthmother loves her, very much, be able to ask questions, learn about anything she'd become curious about, and would do anything for her! Also, Emmy can find peace and assurance that her child is very loved by both her and the adoptive parents instead of spending day after day wondering if the child is okay. We constantly are wondering if Andy's birthmother is doing well, etc, and while we certainly would LOVE having her around, it comes down to what you feel you can handle. For Andy's dear BM, she chose to spend time with him in the hospital, a little time with him and us afterward, and then moved on.
I sure hope my ramblings helped! Good luck in your adoption journey!!!! :) Sheyann
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Permalink Reply by michelle on -
Hey Chelsea. If you go to http://discussion.bethany.org/ there are a lot of great birthmoms there who will be more than willing to share their experiences with you. They are honest, fab gals whom I adore. Tell them busymama sent you. ; )
I'm writing about my experiences as an adoptee on my blog. You're welcome to visit me there too, and I can give you some links to some moms. It's http://thewarriorprincessdiaries.blogspot.com
It's a tough decision. Some of my friends have said that relinquishing was "a permanent solution to a temporary problem". I don't know if you feel that applies to you or not, but it's something worth considering. I know every option has consequences, and none of them are completely easy.
Take care.
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Permalink Reply by Kristina on -
Hi Chelsea!
I am not a birth mom but I have 2 adopted children. I think it is great that you figure out what you need before hand. With our first child the birthmom wanted 24 hours to herself. She had plans to have some surgerys done during that time but decided to be with the baby instead. She took the entire 24 hours. I think it helped her with the closure thing. We also are very open with her. She is welcome to call, write, visit, anytime. She told me once that because we are so open it has helped her to move one. I know she had a difficult time in the first few months. I am sure that is normal. Now she is like family to us. She adores our little boy and I love it. With our second adoption the birthmom gave birth and left as soon as she was released. I think that was her way to have closure. . . to move on quickly. I know she looks at our blog to keep up on our baby girl, but other then that she wants minimum contact. So point being. . . I think every birth mom is different and you need to figure out what you need to have happen so you can move on with your life and heal. I wish you luck! You are an amazing person to be able to do such a selfless act!
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Permalink Reply by michelle on
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I haven't read this yet, but someone just suggested "What you should KNOW if you're condsidering adoption for your baby" which can be found at http://www.cubirthparents.org/ It might answer some questions too.
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Permalink Reply by Susie on
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Chelsea,
First of all I would like to say: You are NOT a birthmother. You are an expecting mother who is considering adoption for your child. It is very important for you to know that right now, until you have given birth & signed away your rights, you are your child's mother. The same goes for the father of your child.
I am a first mom, have been reunited with my son for a year, he is almost 31 years old now. I was not allowed to see my son after I gave birth to him. Adoption procedures may be a world of differences away from when I gave birth & gave up my son, but the effects are the same. My advice to you is to treasure your child's birth, first days of life outside your womb. Hold your child, feed & change your child, LOVE your child! Your baby KNOWS you. Your babies natural instincts are to need you after birth. Your child knows your heartbeat, your scent, your voice, etc.
Have you done any research into the effects of adoption on both the mother & the child? Life long effects? I was going to suggest the same websites that Carys posted above. PLEASE go and read the information you can on all of these websites. THEN you can make an informed decision on adoption.
Good luck to you and your baby
Susie
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Permalink Reply by Christie and Doug on -
Chlesea,
Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I just wanted to say that as someone who can't have more children, it is amazing that you have chosen life for your baby. You ARE a part of this baby forever whether you raise your baby or not. You are the first mamma. And second mammas like me are overwhelmingly grateful for people like you.
Hugs.
Christie
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