Wanting to hear from birthmothers and adoptive parents for advice

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Permalink Reply by Amy Klick on July 30, 2010 at 5:34am

First I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this position. There is no doubt that you love your kids and want what's best for them. I know someone that was just in your position. She had 4 kids already and was pregnant a 5th time. Single mother. She wanted to give up her baby and she did (to us actually) but in the end decided to parent the child. it's a very tough decision. My advise is to make sure you have support from your family and friends. She didn't have support from anyone other then her x husband and that wasn't enough. It is in fact your decision but with our family support it's going to be hard for you to get through the greiving process. Giving up your child will be the hardest thing you will ever do.

I'm adopted and my husband and I are also looking to adopt (can't have kids) I am SOOOO grateful to my birth mom for choosing to give me a better life. I have what I feel is the best Adoptive mom ever. I had a great life. It wasn't perfect but what life is? My adoption was a closed adoption but lots of adoptions these days are open. If you wanted you could always chose an open adoption and either visit the adoptive family and the baby or just get photo's and letters how ever many times a year you wanted. Our last birth mom (the one with 4 kids)-we have had a few birth moms so please feel free to pick my brain- was not only our friend on face book (so she could get all the pictures she wanted-and even take them) but she had our family blog where I post at least weekly if not daily. (well at least I try lol) She was also allowed to call me and visit if she wanted to. However she struggled with what to do. She wanted a closed adoption but wasn't sure if an open adoption was best since she had 4 other kids. Or if a closed adoption was best for her kids.

Please please email me if you have any questions at all. I'd be more then happy to answer any questions you have about being an adoptee and being a potential adoptive parent. I also know 2 birth mothers who I could put you in touch with. One is 17 and was going to give her baby up but the birth father changed his mind (and left her and the baby after a week) and the other is the 28 year old single mother I told you about. She actually gave us her baby and was with out him for almost 2 weeks.

Also I'm not sure if this is allowed here but if you do decide to chose adoption I'd be more then happy to give you a link to our family blog and or profile to look at. But please take your time and decide if this is right for you. I could blab on forever but I don't want to bore you. Please know that my heart goes out to you. I see it's been a while since you posted this. I hope you post an update at some point. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers

Anita Renee said:

Brandy,
As an adopted child I can tell you that my birth mother giving me up for adoption back in 1964 was a great thing. She was alone and young an felt that she could not give the child the right love and home. There was a family,the woman was 40 years old and just completed a pregnancy that ended in a still birth and could not have any more children. She so badly wanted a baby with her husband. the girl gave up the child to this family. It was the best decision I believe she ever made. I was the luckiest child because I got wonderful set of parents. Im sure that she would have loved me with all of her heart but it would have been a struggle for everyone. I believe that it was the love that she felt for me and her desire to provide me with what was best for me (not her - very unselfish) that led her to that decision. I'm sure that it was one of the hardest decisions that she ever made.
Good luck

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Permalink Reply by Jan on August 3, 2010 at 9:25am

I urge you to learn as much as you can about adoption before making your decision. You can get the most honest feedback from birth moms who have dealt with their situations. Also, get as much feedback from adoptees as possible. What is important is to receive a wide range of feedback, highlighting the positive and negative effects.

With all due respect to amoms or paps, they generally do not know what adoption is like for birth moms. Plus, be aware of anyone who might advise you that might have a vested interest in your baby being adopted. Agencies are in the business of adoption, and that affects their ability to be impartial.

Amy Klick said:

First I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this position. There is no doubt that you love your kids and want what's best for them. I know someone that was just in your position. She had 4 kids already and was pregnant a 5th time. Single mother. She wanted to give up her baby and she did (to us actually) but in the end decided to parent the child. it's a very tough decision. My advise is to make sure you have support from your family and friends. She didn't have support from anyone other then her x husband and that wasn't enough. It is in fact your decision but with our family support it's going to be hard for you to get through the greiving process. Giving up your child will be the hardest thing you will ever do. I'm adopted and my husband and I are also looking to adopt (can't have kids) I am SOOOO grateful to my birth mom for choosing to give me a better life. I have what I feel is the best Adoptive mom ever. I had a great life. It wasn't perfect but what life is? My adoption was a closed adoption but lots of adoptions these days are open. If you wanted you could always chose an open adoption and either visit the adoptive family and the baby or just get photo's and letters how ever many times a year you wanted. Our last birth mom (the one with 4 kids)-we have had a few birth moms so please feel free to pick my brain- was not only our friend on face book (so she could get all the pictures she wanted-and even take them) but she had our family blog where I post at least weekly if not daily. (well at least I try lol) She was also allowed to call me and visit if she wanted to. However she struggled with what to do. She wanted a closed adoption but wasn't sure if an open adoption was best since she had 4 other kids. Or if a closed adoption was best for her kids.

Please please email me if you have any questions at all. I'd be more then happy to answer any questions you have about being an adoptee and being a potential adoptive parent. I also know 2 birth mothers who I could put you in touch with. One is 17 and was going to give her baby up but the birth father changed his mind (and left her and the baby after a week) and the other is the 28 year old single mother I told you about. She actually gave us her baby and was with out him for almost 2 weeks.

Also I'm not sure if this is allowed here but if you do decide to chose adoption I'd be more then happy to give you a link to our family blog and or profile to look at. But please take your time and decide if this is right for you. I could blab on forever but I don't want to bore you. Please know that my heart goes out to you. I see it's been a while since you posted this. I hope you post an update at some point. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers

Anita Renee said:

Brandy,
As an adopted child I can tell you that my birth mother giving me up for adoption back in 1964 was a great thing. She was alone and young an felt that she could not give the child the right love and home. There was a family,the woman was 40 years old and just completed a pregnancy that ended in a still birth and could not have any more children. She so badly wanted a baby with her husband. the girl gave up the child to this family. It was the best decision I believe she ever made. I was the luckiest child because I got wonderful set of parents. Im sure that she would have loved me with all of her heart but it would have been a struggle for everyone. I believe that it was the love that she felt for me and her desire to provide me with what was best for me (not her - very unselfish) that led her to that decision. I'm sure that it was one of the hardest decisions that she ever made. Good luck

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Permalink Reply by Susie on August 3, 2010 at 3:21pm

Brandy,

I am a first mom, in reunion for 1 1/2 years with my 31 year old son.

You alone have to make this decision. You do need to do all the research you can, get advice & learn from the experiences from all sides of the adoption journey, but in the end you need to take only your desires into consideration. If you are not 100% sure that adoption is the right choice, you will have a very hard time living life without your child. Even when 100% sure, it is the hardest thing you will EVER do. You need to realize that your decision will not only effect you & the baby you are carrying, but also your older children. You need to realize that you are & always will be your babies mom ~ even if you are not the parent. Your body & heart will know that you have a child that you should be mothering, but the child will be missing.

If you are getting counseling, please be sure the counselor is not affiliated in ANY WAY with an adoption agency. The adoption industry has spent millions of dollars researching the correct things to say & do to have a mother in an unexpected pregnancy choose adoption. They are in a supply & demand business. It's as simple as that.

If you are checking into adoption, please be aware of the dangers of pre-birth matching. If you develop a relationship with a family, and then come to realize after giving birth that you really can't do it & want to parent your child ~ the feelings you have come to feel for the prospective family & the feelings you have been made to feel about why they would be better parents than you will come into your decision. A decision for adoption should NEVER have prospective parents in the equation. Pre-birth matching leans heavily into coercion for the mother.

If you choose adoption, with the promise of open adoption as the reason you consider it possible, please know that open adoption is not legally enforceable. If you are not willing to go into adoption as a completely closed adoption, then adoption is not an option for you.

Right now you are an overwhelmed mom. It WILL be hard raising a newborn on top of the other 2 kids. But what about 5 years down the road? When they are all in school? What about 10 years from now? It gets easier so quickly, they are only completely dependent on you for such a short time. Things improve with time. You get a better job, make more money, older kids able to help out with chores around the house, etc. Yes, life will be hard with another child to take care of. But choosing adoption does not make things easier. If you choose adoption, you will still have the stress of being a single mom to two children, as well as being a first mom trying to learn how to live without your third child. You need to think of what your life will be like down the road if you choose adoption. Your child will ALWAYS be gone, never to be a true part of your family again. Your child will call another woman "mommy". Your child will grow and have children of his/her own. You will be a Grandma, yet you won't. If the adoptive family cuts you out of their lives, you won't even know if your child is still alive, much less healthy & happy.

This is a life-long, very difficult decision you have to make. I pray that you get all the info you need to make an informed choice. Adoption is often chosen as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please be sure that is not how you are looking at adoption.

Susie

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Permalink Reply by Ann Elizabeth Johnson on August 9, 2010 at 1:00pm

Sending you much love and peace for the hard decisions you are facing.

I am both an adoptee and an adoptive mom. My adoption was closed and I would not be surprised if my birthmom was able to parent children after my adoption. We chose open adoption for our son and have a wonderful relationship with his birthfamily, including his new baby sister, whom his birthmom is now able to parent. As an adoptee, I went through many different feelings toward my birthfamily, but seeing how much my son is loved by his birthfamily, I feel so healed and am totally at peace with my adoption as well. Our open adoption relationship is much like extended family. His birthmom doesn't make parenting decisions with us, but she is loved and welcomed in our lives. She is very much like a godmother or a special auntie to our son. We respect and honor their special relationship and feel so blessed that she chose us to be parents to her most precious treasure.

Please don't let anyone on this forum or otherwise, pressure you into a decision. Only you know what is the right choice for your children, both the ones you are parenting and the one you are carrying. The most important factor in adoption planning/parenting is keeping your child's best interest at heart. Sometimes you are the one who can best provide for your child. Sometimes, the best way for you to provide for a child is to make an adoption plan. If you choose adoption, it certainly does not mean that you love your child any less than the ones you are parenting. I would highly recommend open adoption, because I ache to hear from my birthfamily that I was loved. With open adoption, you can give your child that gift. A good adoption agency/attorney would never pressure you and should offer you free counseling, whether you opt to make an adoption plan or not.

Wishing lots of peace and support in whatever path you choose.

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Permalink Reply by Kristina on August 18, 2010 at 5:33am

You are not alone. I have 2 adopted children and both the birthmoms were like you. Single moms, with 3 children to take care of. I read a lot of the comments on this post. I would look at some of those links and talk to other women that have been in your situation. I think it helps to talk to someone that has been there done that. We have an open relationship with my 4 year olds birth mom. We text, we are facebook friends, and she visits or we visit her. This is her choice and we love doing it. With my 2 year olds birth mom she wanted to keep it to a minimum. She looks at our blog and that is about it. That is her choice too. They are both wonderful women that need to deal with things differently. I think if you choose to place you just need to figure out what kind of situation would be best for you. Talk to the adoptive couple and see if you are a match. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you make the best decision for you and your baby. Good Luck!

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Permalink Reply by Kelly on December 27, 2010 at 11:59am

Hi Brandy,  I cannot imagine what you must be going through.  I just thought to tell you about our private adoption.  Our paths crossed with our son's birth mom just by word of mouth.  Through friends of friends she heard about us wanting to adopt a child/children for years.  We talked over the phone, and we actually met for her 8 week doctor's appointment.  The day we met we felt like we had known each other for some time.  We just were open and honest with each other.  We really grew to know one another through each pregnancy appointment she made.  We would also talk over the phone a lot...lol.  I could never imagine what she was going through.  I knew the love she had for her children and this baby and I knew this had to be the hardest decision she could have made in her life.  My years of heartache, tears and many prayers were answered and we now have a beautiful son.  He is our hearts, the center of our world!  We are so very blessed.  Our son is now 5 years old, and is doing wonderfully.  The bond I have with his birth mom still remains just as strong.  She will forever hold such a special place in our hearts.  We still talk to one another, and I send lots of pictures and updates.  I am so blessed and thankful our paths crossed.  Try and get all the information you can on adoption from all sides of adoption.  My heart goes out to you, and I am sending prayers your way.....

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Permalink Reply by Nicole and Mike on December 27, 2010 at 12:17pm

Hi Brandy,

I want to tell you how brave you are for looking into your parenting options as you go through a mightily difficult time in your life, May this verse help you: "For I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29

I know you must have all sorts of concerns at this time. Please know I would love to reach out to you in friendship, what sort of information would you find helpful at this time in your life?

May I suggest that if you already are certain that the best thing for this child is to make an adoption plan, than you may want to next decide whether or not you want an open adoption with this child or not, the scope of openness vastly varies based on an agreement of the heart between this child's adoptive family and yourself.

 

Once you have ascertained that this is what you want, and what kind of adoption you want, or if you just want to check further into adoption, which is the permanent placement of this child with a license and approved adoptive family, then you can start looking at parenting profiles or adoption agency's if you want. There are many families who are on website's wanting to adopt, and you may ask for their homestudy and review it. Some of the best and most informative adoption websites are: parentingprofiles.com, adoption voices.com, directadoptions.com

 

Making an adoption plan is not easy, but it is very loving to choose a forever family for this child who will give this child the life you want this child to have, as well as giving you and your other children the ability to carry on in life.

 

We are an adoptive family waiting to adopt, whether you want to talk adoption, or you just want a friend,

I am here for you.

 

 

 

 

 

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