Hi to all. When is the best time, if this time exists, for an adoptee to be told about being adopted ?? I am curious to see what replies i get back as my personal situation isn't possitve at all.
I think adoption should never be something an adoptee doesn't know. From the very beginning, they should know, and their adoption should be a topic of discussion from time to time. It should be presented as a casual and normal thing, not some big, deep dark secret to hide.
I agree I adopted my now 5 year old from foster care but brought her home form the hospital after her birth but we talk at least weekly about her birth mom and sister and we visit with them 2 times a year. she doesn't understand really but it is very open and out there so when she wants to know more she will feel comfortable asking
I agree with the other posters. I think an adoptee should "always" know they were adopted. Even though a baby or toddler isn't able to understand every aspect, the words are becoming familiar, and there's no moment of it being an entirely new concept. At the time, I don't think that means talking about adoption constantly, pushing conversations, or sharing information in a way that is not age appropriate; parents need to be honest and sensitive.
Hmmm. I just read your post in the adoptee group, so you're asking this from a different perspective I think. I do think, as I said above, that it's healthiest for the adoptee to have some familiarity with the word adoption from a young age and be able to grow in to an understanding of what that means gently, reather than having to swallow it all at once later one. I also think it's best for there to be open dialogue between the adoptive parents and adoptee, and freedom for the adoptee to express a range of thoughts and emotions about adoption.
It sounds like your situation is difficult. A lot of women have felt pressured to relinquish, and it makes it awfully hard to come to peace with one's adoption when that has been the case. : /
I have open adoptions with both of my son's birthparents... They will always know where they came from. I am hoping that our next adoption can be just as open :)
I would suggest you tell them as soon as they can comprehend mentally the concept of "adoption". This is obviously left to the judgement call of a human. If a family chooses not to share they could in fact end up like me and learn about it in passing. My family never told me directly. I learned of my adoption through a family friend. The crazier part about everything is that I always felt like something was off but was never given the respect of life to inform me of my adoption. I have some resentment but over the years have come to the realization that I am more grateful for being adopted than I am upset about learning about it later on in life.
We have a totally open adoption with our daughter's firstparents. She is only two but we have always told her her story. I never think there should be a big reveal.
Monique, i totally agree. I just cant understand why my adoption parents didn't tell me ( apparently she did when i was 5, but i cant remember that at all to be honest ). I feel that it is a total lack of respect towards the young person they have adopted and are supposed to offer a life to. Then they say they love me and worked hard so i could have holidays and clothes and food etc, but up to what point is it justifiable that they DID NOT TELL ME ????
Its difficult to look at him straight to his face as I feel let down or like im talking to a stranger now that want before but has lied to my face all these years. I just don't get it. Maybe you can relate to this or not.
My wife and I have a 10 month old boy named Bradley and I couldn't begin to imagine not telling him in the case of being adopted himself. Its the love and respect towards him that makes us responsible to tell him. Its like it would be something we owe to him, his sole right in life, his one prized possession that only HE can own ( as I said, in the case of him being adopted, which he isn't ).
I have a 3-year-old adopted son who came into our life from the tragic passing of a family member, and a 5-year-old biological son. We haven't yet discussed this with the kids because of concerns we have over their ages and the fact they haven't fully come to understand empathy. But we know the sooner we do, the better.
Just throwing in my 2 cents because it's not cut and dry, there are circumstances out there like ours.
Adoptees should be told as soon as possible. Tailor what you say to the age of the child, but always say SOMETHING. And always answer any questions. Be as honest as you can with whatever info you have. Secrecy does not work.
I always knew and believe it should be that way for adoptees everywhere.