Adoption Voices

Failed Placements

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Failed Placements

Group is for individuals who have experienced a failed placement whether recently or in the past.

Members: 94
Latest Activity: Oct 21, 2012

Discussion Forum

Moving Forward 5 Replies

Started by Tracey. Last reply by Suzanne Margarit Oct 21, 2012.

Broken hearted 16 Replies

Started by Holly Ward. Last reply by Andrea Sep 21, 2010.

Can't do this again 3 Replies

Started by Amy Klick. Last reply by Missy Romeis Sep 13, 2010.

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Comment by Missy Romeis on December 18, 2009 at 3:08pm
We've just experienced our first failed adoption. We had William in our home for two weeks before the birthmom decided to parent. It was a case of mistaken paternity and it turned out that William's birthfather was the bm's boyfriend.

What breaks my heart is that I know that my husband would be twice the father that this man would be. And I don't mean that in a cruel or overly harsh way. My husband is a loving stable person whereas the bf is rather iffy and in and out of the situation.

I hate to say that this is what it must feel like to have a child die since we knew the risk and William will be raised by his birthparents with his sister and relatives. But it does feel like there is a big hole and we did loose "our" child.
Comment by Duchess on November 12, 2009 at 3:35am
Thank you all for your kind words.
Comment by Martina K Zimmerman on November 7, 2009 at 6:14pm
Well, it's so nice to be able to hear from other ladies who have gone thru a failed adoption. We had our first failed adoption tuesday. The bm called the case worker and said that she had her baby in the middle of the night and that she is keeping the baby. We had looked forward to holding the baby for 8 weeks. I do not know the time of birth, date( monday evening or tuesday morning that the baby was born, name of baby, weight etc.It leaves you feeling like you just can't put an end to it all. The bm put private on her name at the hospital and will not talk to the case worker. Wow, how can a person do that to another woman who had feelings too? WEll, I to am struggling with how to relate to another bm. We are matched again!! Any advise on how to relate with bm to make her feel comfortable and me too ? We are prefering to have a semi-open adoption, ( Pictures every six months), so how do you build a relationship and not reveal to much? Just a few questions going thru my mind.
Comment by Stephanie B. on November 7, 2009 at 8:06am
Renee. I love your perspective in that article. Thank you for sharing.

Stacey, I'm so sorry to hear about your failed match. Even when you don't end up holding the baby it is still terribly hard to let go of what almost was.
I too struggle with trying to figure out how to trust a birthmother again. We are matched with a bmom who is due Dec 29th but with 2 bouts of pre-term labor & constant bedrest, she could really go anytime. I have been putting my heart and soul into her. It is tough. I love her. But, I'm scared she will hurt me. So, I am guarded. I just do the best I can, and if its not good enough, then that is not my baby. Sounds a little callous but I think that is what keeps me from crumbling.

I have heard a lot of people say that adoption is the easy way to have a baby. Boy...they just don't get it.
Comment by Renee Hoyt on November 7, 2009 at 7:59am
Hi all. We experienced our second failed adoption in two months just three weeks ago. I have been blogging to help me gain perspective and heal from these experiences. Please feel free to visit the link below and if you are interested in more of our story,there are three other postings there that tell the tales of the two failed adoptions as well. Enjoy!

http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/blogs/post/half_full/
Comment by Stacey on November 6, 2009 at 1:21pm
Duchess, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I really wish you strength as you get through this challenging time. It’s a crummy place to be at and no amount of words can make the pain go away.

My husband and I just experienced out first failed match this week. I’m slowly getting over it. We were fortunate that we were made aware of the failure 2 days prior to her delivering, so we never traveled to the hospital and I never held him. That would have made it so much harder for me. But it was still 3 long months of time and energy creating a bond with a birthmother that left us with broken hearts. Towards the end I had a feeling it was going to fall through, my gut instinct told me she would back out. I no longer trusted her- in the beginning I trusted her completely.

For those people that have been matched again, how do you go on to trust another birthmother? I felt like I put my heart and soul into getting to know and care for this woman whom I now despise ( I know that’s harsh, but it’s how I feel today). I’m afraid this experience will make me too guarded in the future.
Comment by Kirsten Knode on November 6, 2009 at 7:26am
Wow, so sorry Duchess. We're right there with you. We had a reclaim this summer and then since then we had a couple trying to scam us for money. Now we're having to redo our homestudy and letter. I think we all just have to be there for each other. We will pray for you and your family. Hang in there.
Comment by Stephanie B. on November 6, 2009 at 6:33am
Hi Duchess, I am so sorry. Adoption loss is so difficult and starting over is overwhelming. I will be thinking about you.
Comment by Duchess on November 6, 2009 at 5:00am
I am just joining this group. My husband and I returned home from the trip that ended in our second failed adoption a week ago. I realized today that this is the first day I made it through the entire day without crying. I guess life does go on, but the thought of getting our profiles up to date and doing it all over again seems too much to bare.
Comment by Stephanie B. on August 30, 2009 at 1:31pm
Denise, what an inspiration you and your family are. Failed adoptions are HARD. Especially when the baby has been placed in your arms and then taken away. I compared our failed adoption to a death. Your baby is there...then your baby is gone...and you don't know why. It sounds like you are strong and faithful, and I'm glad that we have this group as a way to share our grief and triumphs...
Stephanie B.
 

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