Failed Placements

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Comment by Kristina Savarese_Ramey on May 5, 2012 at 10:30pm

thank you mommys so much for helping to renew my faith in adoptive moms.... i had really started to sink into my own generalization due to my situation as well as hearing and seeing things from other Amoms and adopted children/adults.....so thanks for being who you are, and being a positive light in this adoption world so full of discrimination and judgement....much love and gratitude:::::::::::
Kris xox

Comment by Heather on May 5, 2012 at 5:49pm

thank you for the apology and thank for acknowledging that single mothers can be amazing. Those of us who knowingly go into it as single mother know that we face a hard time being chosen and that we need to give a child EVERYTHING that he or she needs. I am very grateful to have my son and very grateful that his birthmother tells me how happy she is to have found me and that she knows how much he is loved.

Comment by Mommy M on May 5, 2012 at 4:54pm

Kristina, Thanks so much.  That helps. I am sorry that your situation with your Amom and daughter has been so difficult.  You seem to have a great outlook and a very positive attitude about everything.  Thanks.

Heather, I am so sorry that I came across that way about single parents.  You are right, a loving single parent is better than unstable married parents, any day. Your right, the statement was too general and definitely portrayed single parents in a bad light. 

I commend anyone that is a single parent.  You and Kristina both really seem to have it together as mothers and that is wonderful.  It is my hope and prayer that women such as yourselves can continue to be an influence on all parents to be more accepting and have the love that the two of you have for all your children.  Again, my deepest apologies - it was not my intention to offend anyone in anyway. Best of luck to you all.

Comment by Kristina Savarese_Ramey on May 4, 2012 at 9:35am

Mommy M, 

in answer to your questions...... our adoption was semi-open.....i would say at this point it was really closed....but...hey...semantics, right? ugg.
as the years progressed, i would have to call the agency as they were months past due and request them.....a huge reg flag was that the common theme in these letters were statements like.....MY Daughter and Our little angel and My M....etc.....it was weird and very uncomfortable....like in every sentence she had to remind me M was Hers? it was bittersweet.
I do know where she is, she is several states away, i have her address , phone number etc.....but i shouldnt even have these so i dont use them at all.
M is my friend on Facebook, she used to contact me all the time, especially when things were going very bad for her....i would listen and be as objective as possible....knowing full well where the boundries lie.
every 3 months i will just shoot her a quick message saying, i hope eveything a great with you, i hope school is going well, that you are happy and know we love you.
thats it.
when M turns 18.... well, that will be up to her...i think she knows how i feel, and that has had to become enough for me at this point. i will stay as close or as far away as she wants me, but i will not allow her to manipulate anyone. not her Amom and not us. I have a feeling it may be difficult due to the way things were played out....it will have to be a day at a time when the day comes.
sometimes i feel like i deserve all of this. giving her up. i deserve to be punished....but that is just my guilt, and i have to get a handle on that soon before the real reunion is upon us. frankly, it scares the crap out of me.
her Amom has said so many horrible things about me, its just going to take her trusting in the person i am today and me letting her know with uncertainty that she is accepted and loved.
to M , i am sure i seem way "cooler" than her Amom....we have the same mucical interests amoung other things....and for a teenager that can be confusing.....because when it comes down to it, i am a mother, and i take my job as a mother very seriously. my kids know where i stand and know i mean business!
gosh, i just wish more than anything that M had the support and love she needed when all of this first began....I can only trust in God and in our love that everything will work out just the way its supposed to.
i hope this answers your questions :)
happy mothers day! xox

Comment by Kristina Savarese_Ramey on May 4, 2012 at 8:39am

thanks heather , it has definitely not been a healthy "reunion". when i placed M with this couple, open adoptions were not common at all....so i agreed to a semi-open adoption, getting pictures and one letter a year. i treasured every letter and picture and have them all to this day. my other 2 daughters are now 10 and 8 and have always known they have another sister....the love and bond of a birthmom really never goes away....it is an amazingly strong bond and it is almost surreal. my heart always ached for her Amom, knowing what she went thru , the failed placements etc.... and i always held a love and gratitude for her , until, of course the attacks on me began.
I did not seek my daughter out and i absolutely have always had her best interest in mind....so when the adoption agency started calling me and threating me.... i was in shock, devastated.
i would not do anything different in how i handled all of this, i have made sure to always keep M first. the very first thing i asked her when she found me almost 3 years ago was..... does your mom know?
not amom, but Mom. M said no and right off the bat i told her she had to tell her right away. i was worried M would would need the support, the shoulder and the love to incorporate the "real me" into her world.....but it all backfired.
i was completely shut down, attacked, verbally abused and threatened. my heart ached for well over a year, i was sick with confusion and so worried for M and her health and happiness having to feel like she did something wrong.
M had to go on prozac last year. it broke my heart. i have felt so helpless. and i can not get involved. i made a choice a long time ago and i have always vowed to live with that choice no matter what, but it has not been easy these last few years.
i guess the main thing is, is that she knows she is loved. she knows she has a birthmom out there that really does love and accept her for just who she is, and maybe that will be enough to carry her through to the other side.
as for single moms?? wow. i am one of those now, for the last year and a half, and i can tell you that we have such peace in our home. it is not a burdon, and it is not difficult one bit. it is life and how we choose to handle it. it is just about love and providing the best we can. a mothers love is unrivaled....whether its from a birthmom or a Amom! and from our own experience..... a mothers love Can be enough! i grew up with a single mom, but she was selfish, self serving, pathological and narcissistic.....so that was not a good experience for me....but she would have been that person married or single...so i do not judge single mothers based on that....we are all different!
if you are doing the best you can, and you children KNOW you love them, then you are doing your job! if your children feel safe, understood and accepted.....you are doing your job! this is the silent oath we take as mothers....natural or not.
i wish the best for everyone....and trust in love, it heals all things xox

Comment by Heather on May 3, 2012 at 10:37pm

Kristina, I'm so sorry that things turned the way they did. As an AP, it angers me when this happens. I can't begin to imagine the emotions that you feel. I hope that the Amom will see the light sometime very soon.

Mommy M

Even though it is not the theme of this thread, I have to tell you have that I have never been so offended by another Amom.

"I grew up in a single mother household.  It is damaging on the child. The   child grows up feeling unloved. Some people can make it work, most do not."

I have been through a failed adoption as  a single adoptive mother. I am now a few weeks away from finalizing the adoption of my son and I am still a single adoptive mother.  My son is anything but unloved and I take huge offense to a statement like that.  The little girl from the failed adoption still knows how much I love her, her siblings, and her mother. I cannot believe that you made a blanket statement about single mothers in such a way. I would argue that single mothers are better for children than unstable married couples.

Comment by Mommy M on May 2, 2012 at 9:03pm

Kristina,  My heart truly goes out for you and your daughter.  Adoption is really supposed to be about the child.  And Love for that child and hopefully loving families surrounding that child.  That is how we look at it in our family.  My boys see their birth-moms 2-6 times a year depending on which BM and her location and where she is at in her life.  Our BM's range in age from 17 thru 37 and from 35 mins from our house to completely across the country.

My boys are young - 1, 2, and 5, but I let my boys know, everyday - that without their birthparents they wouldn't be with us. I hope and definitely pray that we can all get along as the years progress but people change.  We hope that we all change for the better; but as you know from personal experience that is not so.  I am sorry that your experience with adoption has been so rough, it truly hurts my heart. 

I think that it is good to have forums like this where we can see where the 'other side' is coming from.  When our youngest son was placed in my arms after his birth, in the delivery room, we all had tears in our eyes.  His BM had a questioning look on her face and asked "you haven't changed your mind, have you?" ! She had fears that we would change our minds as much as we had fears that she would change hers. 

I think that we all just need to continue to communicate with one another.  I personally believe that adoption can still be positive for all parties, if they come to the table with honesty and love.  But as with all things in life - honesty and love do not always go hand in hand.  And hopefully those people that don't have honesty or love can 'man up' and step aside for all of us, adoptive parents and birth parents, that do have that love to share.

Since your daughter will soon be 18 do you know where she is?  Was it and open adoption? Do you plan on keeping in contact with her? Again, this is just a nosy mom wanted to know what the 'other side' is feeling...  :)  Thanks for sharing, it has helped me heal a few cracks in my heart.

Comment by Kristina Savarese_Ramey on May 2, 2012 at 8:34pm

Mommy M ,
thank you for yur kindness :) i have been a part of this group for a few years now as well as a few others on AV , some of the stories are just so awful, like your first almost adoption.....gosh, what kind of sick person would do something like that? that really must have just been an awful time, i am so so sorry :(
i have been trying to understand all points of views in the triad that is so complex and emotionally intense...we all come from such different places....
i used to feel so positive about adoption, but over the past 3 years of seeing a lot of the heartache that comes from adoption, my views have changed a lot, and it saddens me very much.
the adoptive mom in my triad, 16 years ago, had gone thru 2 failed placements and multiple miscarriages...this made me even more sympathetic towards her and helped me to stick with my decision....she told me all the right things, answered all of my questions with evertything i wanted to hear, told me i was her angel....and somewhere along the line....that changed.
i know everyone is different, but she really led me to believe she was a different person...her anger and hatred for me has hurt our daughter and myself, my family and i am certain herself :(
everything i have experienced from this has left me to believe a few things about our experience.
...that she wanted and needed a baby so bad, she was willing to do and say anything to get that to happen. somewhere along the line...having a child went from being about the child to being about her....which ultimately went against the very nature of what makes adoption good and healthy
...over the yearsthese first emotions gave birth to a whole host of other unhealthy patterns
...where my birthdaughter never felt truly loved and accepted and complete....where she was condemned for having traits like me....to the point of verbal abuse....and emotional i am sure....
....to where when she was barely an adolescent she wanted so badly to find me to see if she really was just like me in all those ways she was always scolded for....which in turn made her adoptive mom even more insecure and negative toward me....she even used a few choice words to describe me...words imwont even type here....ugg
i am such a loving person, who respects others and prays for compassion daily....it has truly broken mynheart. i cant even begin to explain.
so ...what if i had parented my child? would that love i have be more healthy alone then what she has had to endure on a deep level?
was her material life and quality of life worth the mother/daughter relationship that would have been?
gosh, i can ask myself what if all the time...but it doesnt change anything. it is what it is and we will never know.
so i keep going back in my heart that a mother choosing her parent her little baby is what is ultimately right....on every level. that in the longrun it is always more healthy for everyone....because there is a belonging that only comes from one place..
okay. so i do know everyone is different. my hope and prayer is that most adoptive moms are not like this...or allow this to happen to them....
because i think that it is truly a result of that "wanting so badly i will do anything"
mindset that sets it all in motion....
that if adopters can keep the focus on the baby...and truly be selfless, than it can work, and work in a great and powerful way....
sometimes when i see this person or hear them i get scared and my heart hurts...knowing where it leads and i think of the child that will never be whole....and i say something. xo
please know, it is not from a place of malice or ignorance. just love. for the child. xo
nite.

Comment by Mommy M on May 2, 2012 at 5:32pm

Kristina, Thank you for your comments.  We always love to hear birthparents points of view. 

We are not trying to condemn birth parents for their choice to parent.  I personally believe that it is everyone's right to parent their child as it is every child's right to be born.  We, as adoptive parents, use this forum to voice our personal frustrations in our lost dreams of being parents. 

Our family has had to 2 failed adoptions.  The first one the birth mother knowingly and purposefully lied about being pregnant and yet still asked for, and received, support and money for close to 4 months. She then disappeared and when she reappeared she said the baby had died. But the hospital and even the doctors she 'went to' said that she was never pregnant.

Our second failed adoption was a last minute decision for the birth mother. She wanted to place and had been thinking for several months about placing but did not choose us until after birth.  We drove 20 hours with our 18 month old son. Spent the next 36 hours in the hospital bonding, feeding, and changing this beautiful little girl while our extended family spent that 36 hours buying a bassinet, girl clothes, and other baby items.  And in a split second our dreams and our family's dreams were crushed because the birth mother changed her mind. 

I am not bitter with the birth mother, I don't know what I would have done in her shoes. Ultimately her own mother adopted her daughter and ended up raising her daughter as her sister; as a single mother.  I grew up in a single mother household.  It is damaging on the child. The child grows up feeling unloved. Some people can make it work, most do not.

So, it is not that we do not feel that birth mothers shouldn't raise their child.  But sometimes our dreams are crushed because of someone else choice.  I know that there is a God and He lets us experience the hard ships of life to strengthen us and prepare us for our return to Him.  Thank you so much for voicing your opinion and for reading ours. God Bless.

Comment by Kristina Savarese_Ramey on May 2, 2012 at 1:25pm

when birthmothers and birthfamilies choose and work together to raise their babies it is a beautiful thing. babies belong with their blood families unless there is no other way. when a birthmother chooses to keep her child she should be praised, not condemned for destoying lives. For i believe strongly that this is what God wishes for us...

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