Group is for individuals who have experienced a failed placement whether recently or in the past.
Latest Activity: Oct 21, 2012
Started by Tracey. Last reply by Suzanne Margarit Oct 21, 2012.
Started by Holly Ward. Last reply by Andrea Sep 21, 2010.
Started by Amy Klick. Last reply by Missy Romeis Sep 13, 2010.
thank you for the apology and thank for acknowledging that single mothers can be amazing. Those of us who knowingly go into it as single mother know that we face a hard time being chosen and that we need to give a child EVERYTHING that he or she needs. I am very grateful to have my son and very grateful that his birthmother tells me how happy she is to have found me and that she knows how much he is loved.
Kristina, Thanks so much. That helps. I am sorry that your situation with your Amom and daughter has been so difficult. You seem to have a great outlook and a very positive attitude about everything. Thanks.
Heather, I am so sorry that I came across that way about single parents. You are right, a loving single parent is better than unstable married parents, any day. Your right, the statement was too general and definitely portrayed single parents in a bad light.
I commend anyone that is a single parent. You and Kristina both really seem to have it together as mothers and that is wonderful. It is my hope and prayer that women such as yourselves can continue to be an influence on all parents to be more accepting and have the love that the two of you have for all your children. Again, my deepest apologies - it was not my intention to offend anyone in anyway. Best of luck to you all.
Mommy M, in answer to your questions...... our adoption was semi-open.....i would say at this point it was really closed....but...hey...semantics, right? ugg.as the years progressed, i would have to call the agency as they were months past due and request them.....a huge reg flag was that the common theme in these letters were statements like.....MY Daughter and Our little angel and My M....etc.....it was weird and very uncomfortable....like in every sentence she had to remind me M was Hers? it was bittersweet.I do know where she is, she is several states away, i have her address , phone number etc.....but i shouldnt even have these so i dont use them at all.M is my friend on Facebook, she used to contact me all the time, especially when things were going very bad for her....i would listen and be as objective as possible....knowing full well where the boundries lie.every 3 months i will just shoot her a quick message saying, i hope eveything a great with you, i hope school is going well, that you are happy and know we love you.thats it.when M turns 18.... well, that will be up to her...i think she knows how i feel, and that has had to become enough for me at this point. i will stay as close or as far away as she wants me, but i will not allow her to manipulate anyone. not her Amom and not us. I have a feeling it may be difficult due to the way things were played out....it will have to be a day at a time when the day comes.sometimes i feel like i deserve all of this. giving her up. i deserve to be punished....but that is just my guilt, and i have to get a handle on that soon before the real reunion is upon us. frankly, it scares the crap out of me.her Amom has said so many horrible things about me, its just going to take her trusting in the person i am today and me letting her know with uncertainty that she is accepted and loved.to M , i am sure i seem way "cooler" than her Amom....we have the same mucical interests amoung other things....and for a teenager that can be confusing.....because when it comes down to it, i am a mother, and i take my job as a mother very seriously. my kids know where i stand and know i mean business!gosh, i just wish more than anything that M had the support and love she needed when all of this first began....I can only trust in God and in our love that everything will work out just the way its supposed to.i hope this answers your questions :)happy mothers day! xox
Kristina, I'm so sorry that things turned the way they did. As an AP, it angers me when this happens. I can't begin to imagine the emotions that you feel. I hope that the Amom will see the light sometime very soon.
Even though it is not the theme of this thread, I have to tell you have that I have never been so offended by another Amom.
"I grew up in a single mother household. It is damaging on the child. The child grows up feeling unloved. Some people can make it work, most do not."
I have been through a failed adoption as a single adoptive mother. I am now a few weeks away from finalizing the adoption of my son and I am still a single adoptive mother. My son is anything but unloved and I take huge offense to a statement like that. The little girl from the failed adoption still knows how much I love her, her siblings, and her mother. I cannot believe that you made a blanket statement about single mothers in such a way. I would argue that single mothers are better for children than unstable married couples.
Kristina, My heart truly goes out for you and your daughter. Adoption is really supposed to be about the child. And Love for that child and hopefully loving families surrounding that child. That is how we look at it in our family. My boys see their birth-moms 2-6 times a year depending on which BM and her location and where she is at in her life. Our BM's range in age from 17 thru 37 and from 35 mins from our house to completely across the country.
My boys are young - 1, 2, and 5, but I let my boys know, everyday - that without their birthparents they wouldn't be with us. I hope and definitely pray that we can all get along as the years progress but people change. We hope that we all change for the better; but as you know from personal experience that is not so. I am sorry that your experience with adoption has been so rough, it truly hurts my heart.
I think that it is good to have forums like this where we can see where the 'other side' is coming from. When our youngest son was placed in my arms after his birth, in the delivery room, we all had tears in our eyes. His BM had a questioning look on her face and asked "you haven't changed your mind, have you?" ! She had fears that we would change our minds as much as we had fears that she would change hers.
I think that we all just need to continue to communicate with one another. I personally believe that adoption can still be positive for all parties, if they come to the table with honesty and love. But as with all things in life - honesty and love do not always go hand in hand. And hopefully those people that don't have honesty or love can 'man up' and step aside for all of us, adoptive parents and birth parents, that do have that love to share.
Since your daughter will soon be 18 do you know where she is? Was it and open adoption? Do you plan on keeping in contact with her? Again, this is just a nosy mom wanted to know what the 'other side' is feeling... :) Thanks for sharing, it has helped me heal a few cracks in my heart.
Kristina, Thank you for your comments. We always love to hear birthparents points of view.
We are not trying to condemn birth parents for their choice to parent. I personally believe that it is everyone's right to parent their child as it is every child's right to be born. We, as adoptive parents, use this forum to voice our personal frustrations in our lost dreams of being parents.
Our family has had to 2 failed adoptions. The first one the birth mother knowingly and purposefully lied about being pregnant and yet still asked for, and received, support and money for close to 4 months. She then disappeared and when she reappeared she said the baby had died. But the hospital and even the doctors she 'went to' said that she was never pregnant.
Our second failed adoption was a last minute decision for the birth mother. She wanted to place and had been thinking for several months about placing but did not choose us until after birth. We drove 20 hours with our 18 month old son. Spent the next 36 hours in the hospital bonding, feeding, and changing this beautiful little girl while our extended family spent that 36 hours buying a bassinet, girl clothes, and other baby items. And in a split second our dreams and our family's dreams were crushed because the birth mother changed her mind.
I am not bitter with the birth mother, I don't know what I would have done in her shoes. Ultimately her own mother adopted her daughter and ended up raising her daughter as her sister; as a single mother. I grew up in a single mother household. It is damaging on the child. The child grows up feeling unloved. Some people can make it work, most do not.
So, it is not that we do not feel that birth mothers shouldn't raise their child. But sometimes our dreams are crushed because of someone else choice. I know that there is a God and He lets us experience the hard ships of life to strengthen us and prepare us for our return to Him. Thank you so much for voicing your opinion and for reading ours. God Bless.
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