Failed Placements

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Comment by Rebecca on July 12, 2009 at 6:59pm

I agree Stephanie. You really do put everything on the line. I don't think you can discount the grieving that the adoptive parents or the birth parents go through. I'm sorry you've felt unsupported in what you've just been through. Our caseworker called us for a couple months afterward checking up on us. With any loss I think people just don't know what to say especially when they haven't go through it.

Comment by Stephanie B. on July 12, 2009 at 5:23pm

I was just talking about this on the forum (and probably trying to get myself into trouble again) but it kind of occurred to me today that as APs in a failed placement, I felt like I wasn't "allowed" to grieve. When our bmoms decided to parent, I felt like I wasn't allowed to acknowledge what was a significant loss for me. My husband mentioned today that in our case, it was more than a still-birth...it is more like losing your baby to SIDS or some other issue that brought about your baby's death. Your baby is there one minute...beautiful, alive, perfect...and then gone the next with no explanations. I don't want to mitigate the pain of the bmoms by any means, but I was really noticing that I was feeling guilty over feeling sad and disappointed. I'm sure it is one of many emotions that I will go through when we have a failed placement.

Even comments from caseworkers over the last 2 failed adoptions really implied that we should just be grateful that bmoms are even willing to consider adoption in the first place all the while ignoring the painful loss we were experiencing. Almost like we have no right to be upset since WE aren't the ones who are pregnant/placing/birthing/losing, etc. And while this is true, I think the emotional investment we put into our "pregnancy", usually coupled with debilitating infertility, means that we have "everything on the line." Some of us spend years, dreaming, hoping, and fervently praying for our missing family member... so, when we have a failed placement it can be devastating.

Has anyone else experienced a similar emotion? Or am I on another planet?

Comment by Rebecca on July 12, 2009 at 4:38pm

Thank you ladies for sharing your stories. I think of failed "placement" more as the baby failed to be placed with you, not that you made it to placement day. So Suzanne is right no matter how far you get in the process it's still a loss. I heard it best explained this way. Think of you being selected and having the birthmother change her mind as a miscarriage. Think of having the baby born and then having the birthmother change her mind as a stillbirth. For me I would have rather experienced the "miscarriage". I wouldn't have to have her image pop into my head all the time. And unlike me going through a biological stillbirth I'm not sealed to that little girl so I don't have that comfort. I just have to comfort myself thinking that she wasn't our baby and our baby is yet to be born.

Thanks for Suzanne for sharing about your son feeling loss too. It doesn't seem fair that we'd have to spring on until it was official. Other children get 9 months to get used to the fact.

Comment by Megan Hilton on July 11, 2009 at 4:06pm

We are working with LDSFS.

Comment by bryanandsuzanneadopt on July 11, 2009 at 1:52pm

Megan,
Our situation with our son is similar to yours and I honestly think it has been the hardest part of the grieving process. My son will mention the baby every once in a while when we least expect it. (I was visiting my sister last month and we went to church with her, he told the sunbeams teacher all about it...) He asks about us getting a baby all the time. I don't think we'll be letting him know next time until it's all official. He is still sad about it sometimes and we'll have little conversations about the whole thing. It just hurts me so much to see my son saddened by this too.
Also, I don't think you should hesitate joining this group or grieving over a failed "placement". The fact is, you were asked to parent a child and you had committed yourself to that child whether you met them or not. You had prepared a spot for that child (not just any child, but that specific one) in your home and in your heart. We all understand that pain. Hopefully someting pans out for you soon. What agency are you using?
Johanna - I call that "White Horse" syndrome. Where the birthfather has been neglectful/absent and shows up at the last minute full of promises and solutions to sweep the birthmother off her feet and save her from the adoption. The birthmother finally thinks that she's getting everything she wants in her shining knight. Sadly, most of these promises will go unfulfilled, the stallion he rode in on dies, and she is left (often times single) parenting a child that she wasn't planning on raising. I am all for capable, loving families keeping their children, but i just hate it when women are coerced and manipulated into keeping (or giving up for that matter) their children.
Anyways, off my soap box for now. :)

Comment by Megan Hilton on July 11, 2009 at 12:33pm

I hesitated joining this group because I wouldn't technically say we had a failed placement...just a failed situation maybe. We were chosen by a prospective birth mother in December 2008, which made for the best Christmas ever! In January, after we'd had a few meetings, she had called to tell us right after finding out it was a boy, and we thought things were going really well (it seemed the IDEAL situation in our minds and I had even said it seemed too good to be true -- maybe I shouldn't have let myself think that out loud!), she e-mailed to let us know that she'd changed her mind and decided to parent. We met with her once more shortly before the baby was due at the end of March/beginning of April and took her all the things we had gotten for the baby. After a short visit, we left after hugs and reassurances that we still loved her and hoped for the best for her. She promised to let us know how things went so we would know she and the baby were both well and healthy, but we never heard from her again.

I don't want to minimize the fact that some people have held babies in their arms and been much closer to taking a child home when a birth parent changed their mind, but we also have had to go through a grieving process. I think it has particularly been hard for me that our almost three-year-old son has asked periodically where the baby is. He was just starting to get really excited about baby brother when the plan changed. We are going on two years waiting this time around and remain hopeful while doing all we can to spread the good news of adoption and open doors through which a wonderful birth family can find us!

Comment by Johanna Connell on July 11, 2009 at 10:29am

Unfortunately I qualify also. I had a failed placement in June 2004. The birthfather had been out of the picture for almost the entire pregnancy and showed up the day before the baby was born to solve all the problems. I just recently had another that was almost identical. I have been waiting for #2 for almost a year. The placement with my daughter was a last minute event and I have not ever had contact with her birthmother.

Comment by bryanandsuzanneadopt on July 11, 2009 at 10:21am

Well, I really wish I didn't "qualify" to be a member of this group. ;) We have been approved to adopt through LDSFS for about 14 months now and have had 2 failed adoptions. The first one was last September. We had been in contact with the birthmother/family since July. We had been to her home and met her family, gone to dinner with her and the birthfather and talked online almost daily. She asked us to be at the hospital for the birth, and unexpectedly wanted me in the delivery room during the birth. She was also very particular about wanting my son at the hospital to meet the baby, and she told him, "here's you new little brother!" I walked the baby to the nursery and we spent the day caring for him and visited with the birthmother that night. Everything was going well, and the next day was great too. The potential birth mother didn't see the baby again until I brought him to her (by request) the next day. She had me change all of his diapers and feed him the whole time. The night before papers were to be signed the potential birthfather's family showed up and all hell broke loose. The pbf had been on board the whole time, but was all of a sudden telling her that he would fight her in court for the baby. His parents promised them money, etc. to keep the baby (which they never got). Anyways, it unraveled pretty quickly and was not pretty on his familes' part. (His step sister was in the room with the pbm and I, she didn't know who I was and started talking about how proud she was that she wasn't giving the baby up..... um.... what? That was my first clue) The second failed adoption was a flash in the pan compared with that one. A couple was desperate to find a family for a baby that was coming the next day. They were so happy and grateful to find us, the mother was saying how glad she was that this baby would have a home, etc. She wanted us there as soon as we could be there. (I was in Utah at the time , DH was in town though) He was at the hospital the next day, they kept telling him she was so happy that he was there, but that she was recovering from the c section, so would see him later. When I was on the plane they changed their mind. At least for that one we were only in limbo for 2 days. That was last month. Now we are back to waiting. We're getting so good at waiting. That's my story so far, hopefully it ends a little happier. :)

Comment by Stephanie B. on July 11, 2009 at 9:05am

Good point. I think we will have to use either St. Louis or KC and that will be about a 3.5 hour drive though so I bet I won't get to see my caseworker very often. I guess they will have to drive down for the homestudy?
I was worried too that with less members there would be less bmoms, but then, I guess the ratio would be about the same no matter which way you looked at it, so maybe not?
I think in the phoenix office we probably have 12-15 couples invariable stages. We had our first placement and the failed placement in Colorado. That was nice, maybe about 8-10 couples and a lot of personal attention.

Comment by Rebecca on July 11, 2009 at 8:58am

That's exciting to get to go home. I would think its a good thing that there aren't many MO couples because then you get full-attention your caseworker. In our area I think there has to be at least 20 couples.

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