Adoption Voices

Failed Placements

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Failed Placements

Group is for individuals who have experienced a failed placement whether recently or in the past.

Members: 94
Latest Activity: Oct 21, 2012

Discussion Forum

Moving Forward 5 Replies

Started by Tracey. Last reply by Suzanne Margarit Oct 21, 2012.

Broken hearted 16 Replies

Started by Holly Ward. Last reply by Andrea Sep 21, 2010.

Can't do this again 3 Replies

Started by Amy Klick. Last reply by Missy Romeis Sep 13, 2010.

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Comment by Scott Edward Blumenthal on July 17, 2010 at 2:09pm
Kristina...you are absolutely correct. It is a birth mother's right to keep her child if she chooses to do so. No one, including me, ever said that there was anything wrong with that. I will be the first to admit that I have a difficult time understanding what is going through the minds of these birth mothers when they change their minds at the last minute and decide to parent their babies. If I ever, at any time, have made it sound like I am frowning on birth mothers, I am sorry if I gave off that impression. Perhaps as a birth mother, you could make more of an effort to understand what my wife and I have been through (four failed adoptions, a miscarriage, and the lengthy illness and eventual passing of a baby boy that we were eventually able to adopt). We have not had the best experience with birth mothers in the past. Most have been really nice, but when they change their minds at the last minute we all of a sudden never hear from them again.

I apologize to everyone who has commented. I am not trying to start World War III here just because I disagree with something one person has said in response to my comments. I completely understand that these birth mothers are making a huge sacrifice when they decide to give up their babies for adoption. But in most of our failed adoptions the birth mothers already had two or three children of their own, and decided to parent their newest addition even if it wasn't the best thing for the baby. Anyway, I just want everyone to know that I am not against birth mothers in any way. I just wish we had had more positive experiences with birth mothers in the past than we have. I guess it is easy to fall into the trap of pre-judging all birth mothers based on our experiences in dealing with just a few.

Kristina I am not mad at you and I don't think you are a bad person for disagreeing with me. My whole point of this comment is to try to get you to understand a little more of what my wife and I have been through. It's been nothing short of a nightmare trying to adopt and we just want all the support we can get right now.
Comment by Rebecca on July 17, 2010 at 1:31pm
Thank you Savannah! I do not discount the how strong those feelings at that 11th hour are. One of our failed placements fell through because those natural emotions kicked in.

I do not agree that in all situations having the natural mother parent the child is the best. My son's birthmother was just 16 and very ill equipped to juggle teen life (school, friends, etc) and a baby. She has often told us how relieved she placed after watching shows like 16 & Pregnant.

Kris, thank you for reminding us to trust God and accept his timing. That said I truly believe that our son came to our family because we had exhausted all we could do and then we left it to God. I don't believe in sitting back and hoping

Anyway, I started this group because Savannah's right. There are NO support groups for those who have experienced failed placements. We need to know that we are not alone. That the feelings we are experiencing or experienced are VALID and know healing does come and prayers are answered eventually. We need some cheerleaders to keep us going because most of us don't find that in our families and friends. And even those who do care struggle to completely relate. A failed placement is like a stillbirth or a miscarriage. You are carrying that child as well but in your heart instead and you have hopes and dreams of things to come. Then it falls through and you are back to square one after waiting all this time.

Let's continue to make this a safe place for those seeking relief and hope.
Comment by Savannah on July 17, 2010 at 12:19pm
Lets not turn this into a debate board. Birth mom are strong an amazing. They never loose the bond with their child. I'm sure once they place their child for adoption, their hearts will never completely heal.

But this group is for failed adoptions. I hope this group never gets into bashing birthmoms, that is not its purpose. This group is for those who have endured years of infertility treatments, mountains of paperwork, months (or years) of waiting, finally getting chosen and thinking our dreams are going to come true. Endless waiting finally has an end. Years of dreaming is suddenly a reality.

This group is for those who were going to finally be parents and then suddenly, in a blink of an eye, we aren't. There are support groups for parents of miscarriage. There are support groups for recovering alcoholics. There are support groups for those fighting cancer. There are support groups for birth moms. There is a support group for every problem under the sun. The purpose of a support group is to surround yourself with those you have felt pain similar to yours. We left each other up and help each other see there is a way to continue on.

This group is to be a safe haven for us to say "We were finally going to be parents! But unfortuanetly, things change, minds change and suddenly our dreams are out of reach again."

I can say for myself, that after getting unchosen, it was hell for me. I felt like my child had died. Not the child of the birth mom, but the child I had dreamt about. The child I had picked a name out for and decorated a nursery for. I never had ill feelings towards her. I know she made the best decision for her daughter. But that doesn't make our grief any less real.

We are not against birth moms, we are just trying to find a safe way to heal our hearts and move on. Its not about changing perceptions, its about finding peace and understanding. Please let this group be a place for those of failed adoption. I'm not in the birth mom group because I know I wouldn't fit in there because I don't understand their loss.
Comment by Becky on July 17, 2010 at 12:13pm
Kris,
First and most importantly, I admire you for having the strength to choose adoption...you are right, adoption is an amazing sacrifice. I have never ever been upset or mad at birthmothers or fathers in my case for wanting to keep their babies...in both my failed adoptions I made it clear that I would not be upset if they changed their minds...at relinquishment of our last baby, I cried the day we took her home, it was the happiest day of my life but I knew it was the saddest day in someone elses. Of course natural mothers keeping their babies is a beautiful thing. It is just hard being on the other end, with lack of communication, our birthmother and father promised us to always be honest with their feelings, even if they were to have doubts....we never pressured them. In our shoes it is hard and we mourn the loss of what we thought was going to be our future child. We help support mothers through their pregnancies not just financially but emotionally, we set up nurseries to prepare, and we still do not have children. I agree with your comment whole heartedly, but from our side we still grieve the loss of our little miracles....thanks for sharing your thoughts....
Comment by Kristina Savarese_Ramey on July 17, 2010 at 11:56am
Sorry in advance....

But Birth Mothers have the right to keep their babies, you don't realize the bond you have made with the miracle inside your belly until the 11th hour.
A Natural Mother deciding to keep and raise her baby is a beautiful thing.
It should be praised, not frowned upon.
Maybe when your perception changes, you will have your baby.

Namaste'
Mama Kris
Comment by Kristina Savarese_Ramey on July 17, 2010 at 11:52am
...as a birthmother of 15 years...all i can offer is to say, stop trying so hard and push all negative thoughts aside. meditate. pray. tell God thanks for all he has given you so far, thanks in advance for bringing a child into your family.
expectations are premeditated resentments.
God will bless you with a child when you are ready.
not when you feel you are ready.
wanting a baby soo bad is not healthy. it can cause a whole host of problems...health, relationships etc....
Just Breathe. When it is meant to be, it will happen.

Kindest Regards,
Mama Kris
Comment by Becky on July 17, 2010 at 10:13am
Thank you Scott for your support and your nice message. WOW! I am amazed at your strength. We have had 2 failed adoptions and I'm not sure how much I have left in me. Although I will say as each day passes it makes me more determined to find our forever baby. Thanks for being so supportive...best of luck continuing your journey!
Comment by Scott Edward Blumenthal on July 17, 2010 at 6:38am
Errin, Leah, and everyone else...I have read most of your stories and just want to let all of you know that I am here to lend my support to you...and hopefully you all can do the same for me. I know that all of us have experienced a different number of failed adoptions...some of us more than others...but one thing we all share in common is the experience of losing a child that we thought we would be able to adopt. It's difficult to understand what goes through the minds of these birth mothers as they act so excited to be matched up with us...and then when the time comes for them to surrender the baby to the adoptive parents they somehow disappear or change their mind. It has happened to us more times than I care to admit, although those of you who have been reading some of my comments and posts already know that we have been through a lot of pain and disappointment in this process, as we have experienced more failed adoptions than what is probably typical of most people.

Anyway, I am here to lend support to all of you who have experienced a failed adoption at any point in your adoption journey, and I hope that some of you would lend support to us as well. God bless all of you :)
Comment by Scott Edward Blumenthal on July 16, 2010 at 4:38am
Leah...I wanted to comment on your posting on July 13th. My wife and I certainly know what it is like to be in an adoption match and to have the birth mother change her mind at the last minute. This has happened to us four times, and in three of those situations my wife and I travelled long distances to get to where the birth mother and her baby were located. I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone. I am not sure what runs through the minds of these birth mothers when they change their mind like that. I have never been in their situation and can't imagine how difficult it would be to give up a baby. A lot of times they tell you they can give the child up but I think what happens is when the baby is born, and they see this cute little baby in their arms, they are overcome with emotion and they decide that they just can't give up their baby, even if they know deep down in their heart that giving up the baby is the best thing for the baby. They decide they will make it work somehow.

I don't know how long you and your husband have been trying to adopt, but another thing you have to watch for is adoption scams. Always be very careful of situations where birth mother expenses are involved, because in a lot of situations, sad as this may be, the birth mother will take your money without any intention of giving up her child. I suspect this might have been what happened in our third failed adoption. I know we helped the birth mother out with expenses and then after we were with her for two days she changed her mind and decided to keep her child. You just have to be really careful.

Just know that you are not alone in this journey. You have friends who will pray for you and help you get through this time of disappointment. If we are not already friends I am going to friend request you if that is OK. It is my sincere hope that you and your husband will be able to adopt a child sometime in the very near future. May God be with you and your husband :)
Comment by Becky on July 14, 2010 at 10:38am
What a good place for support, but it saddens me that so many of us have been through this. Errin, I'm so sorry for your loss. We experienced the same type of failed adoption, our relationship with the birthparents couldn't have been better. It makes it so hard to put your trust in people out there again. It has only been one week since we had to give our baby back to her birthparents, the best advice someone gave me was to "let it flow". It's okay to cry it out. I think the hardest part is knowing she is still out there, living a life that is not the best for her....I will always wonder how she is and what she is doing, and who she is growing up to be. Best of luck to you in your journey. We have to keep faith!
 

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