I've been trying to help prepare myself for the birth of my son. So at the drs today when I was told they won't be able to induce me for this Sunday, I shut down. Tears rolling down my face, wondering when I will be able to see my family again, I wanted to melt into a ball and roll off the edge of the earth. I know its normal for expecting mom's to be in a hurry the last few weeks, and even though my dr said I will go into labor within two weeks, which isn't that long of a wait compared to what I have already accomplished. The daily struggle gets harder with each passing moment. Its not that I want to get rid of my son sooner, I'm just tiredof people telling me it's all going be okay, because its not right now, and I don't believe any one understands how hard it is for me to give him to another family. I know its whats best, and everyone involved is proud and surprised by my commitment to my decision, so they must think that since I'm so sure of myself that it is somehow easier? BUT THEY ARE WRONG!
I'm afraid my son could grow up thinking I didn't give keeping him a second thought, or that I was ashamed and thats why I kept everything a secret. I did what was best for my safety, and the well being of a helpless person inside of me. He is all I have to keep me going, but its time that I move on with my life and he starts his, I know he is bigger than me, and I accept that. Maybe one day he will understand.