There are several different types of adoption. There are closed adoptions, semi-closed, and open adoption. No matter which you pick, as the birth mother, they all have the same outcome. You are placing your child into the care of someone else. It is a form of loss. In most cases you don’t even get to leave the hospital with the baby that you carried for nine months. The same goes for those experiencing a miscarriage, stillborn, or sudden death of a newborn. In any of those, you walk out empty handed.
Little did I know that when I placed my first born for adoption, it would prepare me for my time in motherhood. I placed my daughter for adoption in 1994. By 2000, I had walked out of the hospital with two beautiful babies. One was born June of 1999, and the other was born December 2000. I was able to do and see all the things that I didn’t have the chance to experience with my first child. It was amazing. I learned to hold them a little tighter, and stare at them a little longer.
May of 2002, I had a devastating miscarriage. Leaving the hospital that day, in some ways, was like leaving the hospital in 1994. I wouldn’t be able to hold him at night and tell him all the things I would teach him. I wouldn’t be able to just stare at him in amazement when he figured out how to do something new. I wouldn’t be able to tell him how much I love him. All the same things I missed out on when I placed her for adoption.
Please understand that it was still hard, without a doubt, but I was better equipped to handle this loss because of what I went through as a birth mother. It gave me a kind of peace about how to deal with the death of my baby boy. The circumstances surrounding the miscarriage are something I will never be able to forget or really work through. Thankfully though, I was able to understand the grief better and manage it in a much healthier way.
During the process of placing my daughter for adoption, I learned that not talking about her or the adoption would make it more difficult to cope with. I carried that over to my miscarriage. I will talk about it with anyone, because my son’s life matters, short as it was. Adoption or death, they need to stay a part of my everyday life. So, if you ever see me, please ask me about my beautiful children.
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