And then you hit a roadblock.

It’s like being thrown off of your bicycle at 150 mph face first into a mud puddle and slowly sink neck deep; you have no idea how it happened because it happened so quickly, but there you are, struggling to understand what happened and wrap your mind around it and struggling to get to your feet.

I’d love to be able to tell any adoptive parent-to-be that every adoption is magical and perfect and it’s like a scene out of the most beloved movie you’ve ever seen, but unfortunately, I can’t tell you that in good conscience. What I can tell you is the truth.

Like every other aspect of your life and the decisions you make every day, the path to becoming a parent after making the decision to adopt can be filled with a lot of things you never expected. Some of the obstacles are mild while others might make you challenge your decision to proceed. Rest assured though, if you have enough love in your heart to want to bring a child into your home, the love and support of family and friends, the support and dedication of your adoption agency or team, every obstacle in your way will only be a stepping stone in your journey of making your vision a reality. 

Focus on what’s important when facing each difficulty – most likely if you’ve made the decision to adopt the thing that will be most important is to have your own child to love, adore and raise. Try to remain calm, cool and collected and make sure you’re gathering the right facts about the given situation so that you’ll best know how to proceed. Remember to always talk to others: your family and friends, your support group, your adoption team, get their input; it’s okay to ask for help. Find ways to completely understand the situation in order to overcome and move on.

I can tell you from my own personal experience, my husband and I hit a few pretty big hazards in our own story, some brought me to my knees in excruciating pain while others were just simple little nothings. Looking back on it now, some of the smallest trials seemed like mountains at the time. We were really blessed to have a lot of people in our corner, a lot of love from family and friends, and significant support, encouragement and, guidance from our adoption counselor. Our counselor was a huge asset to have in our corner, helping us through every single step of the way to understand what we were facing, how to best approach and resolve each issue as it came, and what our options were once we made our decision on any given situation. Having the right support from the right people will make all the difference in your story.

Just remember, you’ve already made the biggest decision: the decision to adopt a child. everything that follows after that decision will all be part of your story. Being a parent is more amazing than mere words can ever express.

Considering adoption? Let us help you on your journey to creating your forever family. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post What To Do When Adoption Gets Tough appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

1. Stereotypes

When we see adoption in media such as tv shows and movies, it is often shown in the context that a child placed for adoption is in need of rescue. The birth family is typically displayed as neglectful, dirty, cold, and heartless. The child is often shown as dirty and abused. While neglect does happen, many children who are placed for adoption have birth parents who love them deeply. The decision to place a child does not come from a place of not wanting their child or not loving them. Many birth parents are not substance abusers nor are all of them in poverty as the media might have us believe.

Adoption often changes these stereotypes and makes our understanding and love for birth parents grow. Understanding that, more often than not, birth parents are looking at the best interest of their child is enormous in changing the hearts of those who believe poor media stereotypes. I cannot count how many times people have been shocked by how wonderful their child’s birth parents are. This is largely the reason why open adoption is becoming much more popular. As these stereotypes are being shattered, people’s minds and hearts towards birth parents and open adoption are changing dramatically. 

2. Family Acceptance

When my family first learned we would adopt, I remember being slightly discouraged at how unexcited they were. It wasn’t that they were not happy for us, however, they did not know what to expect. It seemed there was a bit of a fear that they may not feel the same for children who were adopted as they would children who had been born into the family. It was not a malicious feeling, just a normal anxiety.

I sat with my mother yesterday, watching my youngest son jump in mud puddles. We adopted him at birth and he has been the light of our life ever since. While he may not look like us, he is every bit of a member of the family. My mom noted in this moment that she has been worried about how she might feel once he came home, however she now cannot imagine life without him. Adoption changes the hearts of family members who may think that love only comes from DNA. Love is born in many ways and nurtured through time.

3. The Image of Family

My youngest two children have two moms. They have two dads and four grandmas. They have countless siblings, some of whom I am not the mother to, and too many cousins to count. Adoption creates families. That is easily understood by anyone. However, adoption is not the destruction of one family to begin another. Some view adoption as a “new life.” Yet, my children had a life before me. They had a family before me. Though they were adopted very young, their story began before me and should not have to end for my pride.

I did not understand before adoption how I would “share” my children. How do I bear to share the title of “mom”? Yet, she is their mom and her relationship will be very different than the one they have with me. It does not hurt me in any way that they have more people to love them. My heart changed as I understood the importance of letting their story continue instead of making it start over. Adoption should expand family and love, not break it to begin anew.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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1. Deciding to Adopt

Beginning the process of adoption is filled with all the emotions of hope, longing, and the beautiful fulfillment of (for me) a lifelong dream of being a mother. My hubby wasn’t exactly on board for about the first 15 or so years that I would bring up adoption, so the day he finally said yes, I ran with it.  You have the exhilaration of the beginning of a wonderful voyage and the frustration of researching the best avenue for your family.

2. The Home Study Process

Once you have filled out reams and reams of paper, you will finally have a home visit. You’ll clean like a madman, and you’ll need the adrenaline and good vibes to get you through that. Once the social workers leave you’ll begin to worry that the back hall closet wasn’t organized just right and that maybe your hair will make you the wrong kind of mom. Sounds preposterous, right? Welcome to the roller coaster.

3. The Matching Process

Depending on what type of adoption you pursue, and what agency you choose, there will be some safeguards in place. We decided ahead of time that we were worried about certain types of exposure and wanted to be asked whether we were shown to a prospective birth mom. Just knowing that there’s a possibility of a baby out there for you, it’s the best feeling in the world. And you will be on Cloud 9. Once you start processing all the information, whether you feel you can take on two sets of twins, work full time, find daycare for them, and your three-year-old son and their special needs, you’ll feel the soaring highs and the despairing lows realizing that perhaps five kids ages 3 and under is a bit much. 

4. Saying No

For us, this was the ultimate difficulty. Knowing that we just didn’t live in an area with enough resources, that we were only two people with too little experience, and a young son to consider as well. Knowing that you just aren’t the right parents for a certain little one after numerous calls to your pediatrician, therapists, experienced friends. The guilt nearly killed us every time.

5. The Match and Placement

There is no high as high as knowing that you have been chosen to parent a child. Whether matched with a birth mother, or by a social worker with a toddler you never knew you needed, it’s a beautiful day. The joy of knowing that you have a very short time to prepare for the arrival of your child. Buying an entire nursery in a matter of a day to make sure you’ll be ready for this new little one. Pulling out bins and bins of clothes, not knowing what size you’ll need, to make sure this little guy feels safe and loved. Then that magical day when you see his or her face for the first time. Knowing that the path to you has been paved in heartache but the happiness of home lies ahead. Holding them, feeding them, every single first you can think of. It is the ultimate culmination of fear, trepidation, joy, ignorant bliss.

Do you feel there is a hole in your heart that can only be filled by a child? We’ve helped complete 32,000+ adoptions. We would love to help you through your adoption journey. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post Top Ways Adoption is like a Roller Coaster appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

In my work, I work with all types of adoptions and adoptive families. Much of the work I do revolves around infant placements. When I am talking about ongoing relationships with birth parents and adoptive parents one of the biggest things I try to point out is that they can make decisions but eventually it is going to be up to the adoptee and they are going to have to respect that, even if it is not what they had necessarily agreed to or what. I also do a large amount of work around post-adoption education and support. Many of the kiddos and families I work within this setting have adopted internationally or through the foster care system. This is a whole different scenario where birth families may not have been known or children were removed involuntarily for safety reasons. However, even in these cases, the adoptee’s voice needs to be heard.

When I think about my voice as an adoptee, I think it boils down to one thing. This is my story. It is not my parent’s story; it is not my birth parent’s story. I was the one who was adopted. We are the ones who were adopted. I cannot speak for every adoptee out there. We are all different, have our own thoughts and perspectives, but I think the one thing that we can all agree on is that adoption is our personal story. I think that is the most important thing for people to realize and why my voice matters the most. It is my story to tell. It is my decision if I want to have a relationship with my birth family. It is my decision if I want to search for my birth family. It is my feelings that are involved. No one has the “right” to tell me how to feel or not feel. 

I think oftentimes the adoptee’s voice is somewhat forgotten. Think about it. Decisions are made for us. Our families were “decided for us.” Some were selected by the birth family, some by the state or local department of social services, and others by a country’s government. In some ways the decision was already made about what type of relationship we were going to have with our birth families. I understand that these types of decisions are out of our control; however, as adoptees get older their voice needs to be heard. If they want to search for their birth family then adoptive parents need to be supportive. State and Government entities need to make it easier for this to happen. Because ultimately, the only one left hurt is the adoptee.

To my fellow adoptee: let your voice be heard. Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard. Remember whatever your thoughts or feelings are around your adoption they are your thoughts and feelings. There is no wrong way to think and feel. Adoption is filled with both joys and losses. Each of us adoptees feels differently about that. We feel differently about what we have lost and differently about what we have gained. Don’t let anyone else tell you how you are supposed to feel. I have often heard over the years; “well, if I was you I would…” well guess what, that person is not me. No one can say what they would do if they were in my shoes. Only I can determine that. I love my adoption story. I happily share it with anyone who wants to hear it and hope others learn/can be helped from it. But that is my decision to make and my story to share.   

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit PregnancyHotline.org or call 1-800-GLADNEY. 

The post Why the Adoptee is the Most Important Voice in Adoption appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

1. Be open about your adoption experience.

I’ve found that one of the best ways to be a voice for adoption is to be open about your adoption journey. I love it when people ask me questions so that I can encourage them in their journey or possibly even correct thoughts and perceptions that people may have towards adoption. However open I may be, I am careful not to tell every detail of my boys’ stories. Adoption comes from a hard place no matter the circumstances of the adoption. The “hard to understand stuff” is part of their story, but it is THEIR story to tell when they are old enough to decide if they want to share. Being open is wonderful, just remember to do it with tact and grace and remember that not all the dirty laundry needs to be aired.

2. Educate yourself.

In order to talk intelligently about adoption, you need to keep up to date with popular adoption stories, facts, and trends. Once people learn that you have adopted, they will ask your thoughts on current adoption events.  Reading adoption articles or books helps you to compare varying viewpoints and learn about other facets of the adoption experience that may be different than your own. 

3. Find a writing or speaking platform.

Maybe you are good with words, written or oral. Take the things that you know about adoption and encourage others worldwide. Start a blog that focuses on adoption or become a freelance writer for a company that focuses on all aspects of adoption. You could even write a book detailing your adoption story. Once you develop a platform, opportunities may arise for you to speak to groups about adoption culture and your journey. You have a voice, use it.

4. Support other adoptive families.

Think back to when you were beginning your adoption journey. What support did you receive from your community? What support was lacking and you wished had been there? You can help those new to the adoption journey by

• supporting the fundraising endeavors of prospective adoptive parents
• offering to make meals or help with laundry/housework when they arrive home with their newly adopted child
• reminding the adoptive family that you are praying for them
• joining an adoption support group or Facebook group to surround yourself with others in the adoption community

You may think that your experience and knowledge is not important. Any time that you can speak a positive word for adoption and promote understanding of adoption culture, you can make a difference. You never know how your story may be the one that encourages a family to step out and change a child’s life forever.

The post How to Be A Voice for the Adoption Community appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

From the time I was four days old until I was 21, I had a picture of my bio mom in my head. It looked like this: there was a beautiful, ornate wooden frame, and inside was just a gray, cloudy space that floated around. Even when I dreamed of my bio mom, she was a person with a cloudy head. When circumstances afforded me the opportunity to meet her, it was nice to fill that space with a living, breathing human. Now I know her shape and the sound of her voice. I know she can sing, and I know she is smart, and I know she has feelings. I love having a picture in that space. Next to her is a picture of my bio dad as a cloudy space in a matching frame. He’s still cloudy. Someday I would like a human to put there too.

Other reasons why I want (wanted) to find my birth parents:

I’ve been to a lot of parties. At every single one of them, the topic of nationality has come up. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration, but that is how it felt to me since I didn’t know my nationality. I didn’t know if I should celebrate St. Patrick’s Day wholeheartedly (buy a Kiss Me I’m Irish T-shirt, drink Shamrock Shakes for a month, mark it on my calendar in green…), or just as a fun-loving bystander (own at least one green shirt in the event I’m invited to a party). Same for Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Flag Day. Okay. You got me, I feel pretty comfortable celebrating Flag Day. The point is, when you really don’t know your nationality, it can be tricky to feel like you fit in somewhere.

Ah, the doctor’s office. If it’s a new doctor, everyone gets this lengthy questionnaire about personal medical background. I answer all of the questions to the best of my ability, with accuracy and acumen. Then, I get to the part about “family history.” Is there a history of this awful thing or that horrible thing or…? Suddenly I feel like I’m taking a test that I didn’t study for. My heart beats a little faster. I start reading through all of the horrible things that I might have a “history” of, but I don’t know. Hmm.

Remember that day in one of your Psych-101 classes where the professor talked about nature versus nurture? I do. I remember that lesson very clearly. Because I did wonder. What traits did I receive from my bio mom/bio dad? What did I absorb from the family who adopted me? Big feet? Probably bio family. Sentimental? Maybe adoptive family. But maybe not?

So, at 21 years of age I was able to meet my bio-mom. I had the opportunity to say, “Hey! Last time you saw me I was four days old! I’ve changed a lot since then!” I was able to (and wanted to) sort of “show off” how great I turned out. Maybe it’s the six-year-old inside of me saying, “Mom! Watch this! Watch me! Look what I did!” I don’t know. But, there was definitely a part of me that really wanted her to know how things worked out for me.

Allow me to offer some discussion about things that were not a reason I why I wanted to find my birth parents. I did not want either of them to fulfill a parental role in my life. I actually feel a little overwhelmed. I have enough parents. I have my regular parents, I have in-laws, and I also have people older than me whom I would consider mentors. I have enough parents. I don’t need any more.

I also did not want money or material things. I did not want constant contact or to be an added burden. I did not want to tell these people my problems and have them “fix” anything. I had no intention of “digging up bones” that someone wanted to keep buried. I did not want to “have a word” with them in the spirit of blaming or accusing them of abandonment or neglect.

Lastly, I wanted to find my birth parents to offer them forgiveness that they might be seeking. I would want them both to know that I appreciate the sacrifice they made in placing me with my family. Yeah, what if they really did abandon me or neglect me? They just wouldn’t be human if they weren’t haunted by that choice at some point. I don’t care about the situation at that moment surrounding how or why I was put into the arms of another family. I think my birth parents deserve to feel that I forgive them, if that’s what they need.

If you’re interested in finding your birth family but not sure where to start, check out this online course filled with adoption reunion experts. Or you can totally hire help–get a free consultation from Adoption Detectives here.

The post Reasons Why I Wanted To Find My Birth Parents appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

I was adopted at just a few days old. I came home from the hospital to my parents. I am a child of the 1980s. Looking at adoption history, I feel that this time period was the beginning of when things started to change in domestic infant adoptions. Where things used to be so secretive, a very slow progression of becoming more “open” was taking place.

“I never struggled with being adopted.”

My parents have always been open with me about being adopted. I never remember a time of not knowing. I remember always feeling special about being adopted. While I know now as an adult this is not the case I always felt like my parents got to “choose” me. As an adult and an adoption professional, I still feel special about being adopted, my perspective and knowledge has just changed some.

I never struggled with being adopted. I never remember having fantasies about who my birth parents were. I don’t know who they are. I have very little information on them. I know that they were teenagers, 16 and 19, and that is about it. I have never had a strong desire to search for them. I’ve started once or twice, but when it got a little harder then I thought it would be, I quickly abandoned it. I’ve done the DNA testing so I know my heritage but even that has not changed much for me. I may have a lot of question marks when it comes to my medical history, but I don’t care. I am confident in who I am as a person. I am secure in who my parents are. I am grateful and thankful for the two that gave me life and made a decision that changed my life.

I remember having a conversation with a friend in college. The fact that I was adopted came up and he was shocked. He stated that he would have never guessed that I was adopted. Was I supposed to act differently because I was adopted? That being said, it was a statement that I was thankful for because he saw me as “me.” Not as the “friend who was adopted.” I think that is true of many adoptees. We are each unique individuals who may have a different story of how we entered our current family, but for the most part are no different then anyone else.

For me, being an adoptee is just part of my story. It is part of my DNA, who I am. It has made me into the person that I am today. Had I not been adopted I truly don’t know if I would be in the profession that I am in today. I don’t know if I would have the privilege to work with adoptive parents and adopted children on a daily basis. Being an adoptee led me in finding my passion. Would I be doing what I am doing now had I not been adopted? Maybe, who knows? What I do know is that I am forever grateful for the decision that my birth parents made. I am blessed with the parents that I have. And I could not be more proud to be a child who was adopted.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post What Being An Adoptee Has Meant To Me appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.