1. Stereotypes

When we see adoption in media such as tv shows and movies, it is often shown in the context that a child placed for adoption is in need of rescue. The birth family is typically displayed as neglectful, dirty, cold, and heartless. The child is often shown as dirty and abused. While neglect does happen, many children who are placed for adoption have birth parents who love them deeply. The decision to place a child does not come from a place of not wanting their child or not loving them. Many birth parents are not substance abusers nor are all of them in poverty as the media might have us believe.

Adoption often changes these stereotypes and makes our understanding and love for birth parents grow. Understanding that, more often than not, birth parents are looking at the best interest of their child is enormous in changing the hearts of those who believe poor media stereotypes. I cannot count how many times people have been shocked by how wonderful their child’s birth parents are. This is largely the reason why open adoption is becoming much more popular. As these stereotypes are being shattered, people’s minds and hearts towards birth parents and open adoption are changing dramatically. 

2. Family Acceptance

When my family first learned we would adopt, I remember being slightly discouraged at how unexcited they were. It wasn’t that they were not happy for us, however, they did not know what to expect. It seemed there was a bit of a fear that they may not feel the same for children who were adopted as they would children who had been born into the family. It was not a malicious feeling, just a normal anxiety.

I sat with my mother yesterday, watching my youngest son jump in mud puddles. We adopted him at birth and he has been the light of our life ever since. While he may not look like us, he is every bit of a member of the family. My mom noted in this moment that she has been worried about how she might feel once he came home, however she now cannot imagine life without him. Adoption changes the hearts of family members who may think that love only comes from DNA. Love is born in many ways and nurtured through time.

3. The Image of Family

My youngest two children have two moms. They have two dads and four grandmas. They have countless siblings, some of whom I am not the mother to, and too many cousins to count. Adoption creates families. That is easily understood by anyone. However, adoption is not the destruction of one family to begin another. Some view adoption as a “new life.” Yet, my children had a life before me. They had a family before me. Though they were adopted very young, their story began before me and should not have to end for my pride.

I did not understand before adoption how I would “share” my children. How do I bear to share the title of “mom”? Yet, she is their mom and her relationship will be very different than the one they have with me. It does not hurt me in any way that they have more people to love them. My heart changed as I understood the importance of letting their story continue instead of making it start over. Adoption should expand family and love, not break it to begin anew.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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1. Deciding to Adopt

Beginning the process of adoption is filled with all the emotions of hope, longing, and the beautiful fulfillment of (for me) a lifelong dream of being a mother. My hubby wasn’t exactly on board for about the first 15 or so years that I would bring up adoption, so the day he finally said yes, I ran with it.  You have the exhilaration of the beginning of a wonderful voyage and the frustration of researching the best avenue for your family.

2. The Home Study Process

Once you have filled out reams and reams of paper, you will finally have a home visit. You’ll clean like a madman, and you’ll need the adrenaline and good vibes to get you through that. Once the social workers leave you’ll begin to worry that the back hall closet wasn’t organized just right and that maybe your hair will make you the wrong kind of mom. Sounds preposterous, right? Welcome to the roller coaster.

3. The Matching Process

Depending on what type of adoption you pursue, and what agency you choose, there will be some safeguards in place. We decided ahead of time that we were worried about certain types of exposure and wanted to be asked whether we were shown to a prospective birth mom. Just knowing that there’s a possibility of a baby out there for you, it’s the best feeling in the world. And you will be on Cloud 9. Once you start processing all the information, whether you feel you can take on two sets of twins, work full time, find daycare for them, and your three-year-old son and their special needs, you’ll feel the soaring highs and the despairing lows realizing that perhaps five kids ages 3 and under is a bit much. 

4. Saying No

For us, this was the ultimate difficulty. Knowing that we just didn’t live in an area with enough resources, that we were only two people with too little experience, and a young son to consider as well. Knowing that you just aren’t the right parents for a certain little one after numerous calls to your pediatrician, therapists, experienced friends. The guilt nearly killed us every time.

5. The Match and Placement

There is no high as high as knowing that you have been chosen to parent a child. Whether matched with a birth mother, or by a social worker with a toddler you never knew you needed, it’s a beautiful day. The joy of knowing that you have a very short time to prepare for the arrival of your child. Buying an entire nursery in a matter of a day to make sure you’ll be ready for this new little one. Pulling out bins and bins of clothes, not knowing what size you’ll need, to make sure this little guy feels safe and loved. Then that magical day when you see his or her face for the first time. Knowing that the path to you has been paved in heartache but the happiness of home lies ahead. Holding them, feeding them, every single first you can think of. It is the ultimate culmination of fear, trepidation, joy, ignorant bliss.

Do you feel there is a hole in your heart that can only be filled by a child? We’ve helped complete 32,000+ adoptions. We would love to help you through your adoption journey. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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1. Be open about your adoption experience.

I’ve found that one of the best ways to be a voice for adoption is to be open about your adoption journey. I love it when people ask me questions so that I can encourage them in their journey or possibly even correct thoughts and perceptions that people may have towards adoption. However open I may be, I am careful not to tell every detail of my boys’ stories. Adoption comes from a hard place no matter the circumstances of the adoption. The “hard to understand stuff” is part of their story, but it is THEIR story to tell when they are old enough to decide if they want to share. Being open is wonderful, just remember to do it with tact and grace and remember that not all the dirty laundry needs to be aired.

2. Educate yourself.

In order to talk intelligently about adoption, you need to keep up to date with popular adoption stories, facts, and trends. Once people learn that you have adopted, they will ask your thoughts on current adoption events.  Reading adoption articles or books helps you to compare varying viewpoints and learn about other facets of the adoption experience that may be different than your own. 

3. Find a writing or speaking platform.

Maybe you are good with words, written or oral. Take the things that you know about adoption and encourage others worldwide. Start a blog that focuses on adoption or become a freelance writer for a company that focuses on all aspects of adoption. You could even write a book detailing your adoption story. Once you develop a platform, opportunities may arise for you to speak to groups about adoption culture and your journey. You have a voice, use it.

4. Support other adoptive families.

Think back to when you were beginning your adoption journey. What support did you receive from your community? What support was lacking and you wished had been there? You can help those new to the adoption journey by

• supporting the fundraising endeavors of prospective adoptive parents
• offering to make meals or help with laundry/housework when they arrive home with their newly adopted child
• reminding the adoptive family that you are praying for them
• joining an adoption support group or Facebook group to surround yourself with others in the adoption community

You may think that your experience and knowledge is not important. Any time that you can speak a positive word for adoption and promote understanding of adoption culture, you can make a difference. You never know how your story may be the one that encourages a family to step out and change a child’s life forever.

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It is true that adoption counselors aren’t garden fairies with magical wings and pixie dust, though it would make the entire process a bit more entertaining if they were. Instead, they are just people, like you or I, and when you find the perfect match, like we did, it may seem like that perfect fairy tale moment where the heavens open and angelic songs ring through the land. Finding the right counselor won’t just happen for you by accident…or maybe it will; ours did…it literally took a  car accident to lead us to our perfect counselor.

Our adoption fairy came to us at the unsolicited advice of a receptionist who got to know us after my husband had a very serious car accident. Over the course of several months, she got to know about us and learned we had decided to adopt. At that pivotal moment, she handed us what in essence was our magic card: it was the business card of our soon-to-be adoption counselor.

We had been researching and interviewing a good number of agencies and they were all the same; they just wanted our mailing address to ship a package…there wasn’t any time for questions. Our adoption fairy was completely different than all the rest…she was like finding your perfect wedding dress (ladies), or buying your dream car (gentlemen)…it was a natural, easy, magical connection instantly; we both just KNEW.

Regardless if I had a question–or my husband, my mother, or my mother-in-law–she provided us with an answer. We might not have always liked the answer; it wasn’t always the one we wanted or hoped to hear, but we knew it was always truthful and straightforward…and that was important to us.

1. Research is always key in anything you do in life, and with technology and the ease of finding anything you want to find on the computer, it is an essential first step.

2. Talk to people you know and trust, people who know you at your core and what makes you, you. Solicit their advice on their experiences. Heaven knows how many people I sent along to our own magical counselor.

3. Make sure you have a list of questions to ask about the important things you’re looking to find out about your counselor, the agency, and how business is conducted. It’s okay not to know where to start, but once you interview one or two, you should get an idea of what is truly important to you.

4. Go in and have a face-to-face meeting with the counselor; we did this several times. It’s amazing how a face-to-face interaction with you, your partner, and the potential counselor makes or breaks the deal.

5. And finally, go with your heart. If the angelic music is playing, the butterflies are lifting for flight in your stomach, and the heavens open up and smile upon you…odds are you’ve found the right match. Nobody can tell you what counselor will be best for you other than you.

Adoption is an emotional journey; there are so many highs and lows, unexpected questions, twists and turns. If you have done your due diligence and followed your heart, though, the right adoption counselor will be right beside you at every turn, and he/she will feel like they are your own personal adoption counselor.

After all these years, we still consider our counselor one of our very dearest friends.

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The enormous amount of support we received from family and friends was overwhelming at times and so genuinely appreciated, but one person, after 12 years, still stands out to me as being the one person essential to our story…our adoption counselor. I know, I know…you might have expected that I say it was my mother or my husband or even my best friend, and although each of those people was important, our counselor was the one person I needed the most throughout our adoption process.

We found our counselor before we found the agency through a recommendation of someone who knew our story. Coming from the other side of an adoption as a birth mother, she couldn’t say enough about the woman who eventually became our own counselor–representing us…the adoptive parents…and that spoke volumes to me. 

Upon our first conversation, we instantly connected. She took a sincere interest in us and our desire to start our family. She was kind, loving, supportive, understanding, and loyal. She never wavered on any point from being our number one support figure, regardless of what we faced. When we had news…she was the one who brought it to us…not only did she deliver the news, she celebrated with us, she laughed  and cried with us. When I didn’t have answers, she helped me find them through research, learning from others who had experienced a given situation, and introducing what she found to us. She was inspirational, supportive, kind…everything that I needed…as I needed it and whenever I needed it. She became a member of our family too.

Looking back on the beginning of our adoption story, so many people played important support roles in it but hers was the strongest of them all. Although she’d walked this line with many other families before ours, she always made time for me whenever I needed her advice, support, help, her shoulder, or her ear. She was my rock when I needed one; she was my friend when I needed that; she was my confident when I struggled, and my counselor when I was weak. She was my inspiration and my cheer squad, my support beam and my favorite blanket all rolled up into one. She was always true to herself and always loyal to me. Everyone is deserving of their own angel, I was truly blessed to have been lead to mine.

Almost 13 years later, we still keep in touch. I know her family and she knows mine…not just the family she helped to create…but my parents, my friends, my extended family and I know her parents, her brother, her friends and her own family. We have become intertwined in each other’s lives. Who would have ever guessed?

They say that people come in and go out of our lives. Some people stay for just a short while, and others stay around for the long term; I’ve been so blessed to find someone who continues to walk by my side and continues to be a part of our story, and I still call her friend.

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As a mama by adoption, all I ever wanted was a child. I wanted to be a mama. I wanted to experience the overwhelming joy and adoration for another life. When we started our adoption process, I was terrified and thrilled that we were going to finally meet our perfect baby who I would call my son or daughter. But as we proceeded further and further into the adoption world, my naivety slowly melted away as I became more educated on the subject. I was about to live my hardest but happiest days while others would suffer and break. I would experience overwhelming joy over someone else’s heartbreak. How could that be right? Can I live with that? Is adoption really our answer?

I struggled with this reality throughout our adoption journey. Before we were even matched or had our children, I felt burdened by the heartache that our future birth families may experience. I wondered if this was truly the path we should be on. I questioned a million things but my heart kept me going.

Fast forward to present day, I have two perfect, beautiful daughters who are my light and soul. They are my “why” for every single thing I do. I’ve spent hours talking and getting to know their birth mothers. I’ve gotten a little insight of their journey, too. I’ve listened to their feelings, hurt, and joy. Adoption is overwhelmingly emotional and raw. You’ll witness each other in the most vulnerable and difficult moments of your entire life. It can be hard to grasp the magnitude of what is truly happening. I feel like I didn’t fully process until months after my daughters’ adoptions were finalized.

A few months ago, my youngest daughter’s birth mother texted me out of the blue.

“Today has been a hard day. My heart is hurting. But more than that, I feel peace. It’s hard to explain how I can feel these both at the same time. But you and your husband are exactly what I asked God for all these months. Right after I gave birth to B, I remember you hugged me so hard and whispered to me ‘you’re my hero,’ but I want you to know that you are mine, too. You are giving my baby girl the gift that I simply could never have done. I am so proud of us. You are my greatest blessing. This was God’s plan all along.”

I must have read this message a hundred times. I feel to my knees. I wept. I wanted to hug and embrace her, but she was miles away. In that moment, a peace swept over me that I hadn’t felt before. It was as if suddenly it all made sense. That this truly was God’s plan–in brokenness, and pain, and beauty, and humility–it was his plan. We were all here for the purpose to serve and love this young life.

After that day, it’s almost like I was given permission to love and cherish my child as if she were mine. I could allow myself to feeling overwhelming happiness and joy. Prior to that, I almost felt guilty that I had “taken” someone else’s child from them. I didn’t feel worthy of feeling immense joy and happiness at her birth mother’s expense. But that day, the tiny little ping sound of a new text message delivered so much to me. It delivered peace and gave me permission to feel all the joy that a mom should. It told me that her birth mother would be okay. The pain wasn’t over for any of us, but we would be okay. My heart needed to know that her birth mother didn’t feel regret.

If you’re on an adoption journey, just enjoy the ride. It’s going to be gut-wrenching. It will bring you to your knees over and over again. But listen to your heart. Let God guide you. Trust that something beautiful is about to happen. It’s our human nature to control, plan, and organize. We want to be the ones to plan our future. But we, my friends, are not that powerful. Trust in God’s plan. Trust the path you’re on. You’re on the most beautiful adventure.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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