1. Stereotypes

When we see adoption in media such as tv shows and movies, it is often shown in the context that a child placed for adoption is in need of rescue. The birth family is typically displayed as neglectful, dirty, cold, and heartless. The child is often shown as dirty and abused. While neglect does happen, many children who are placed for adoption have birth parents who love them deeply. The decision to place a child does not come from a place of not wanting their child or not loving them. Many birth parents are not substance abusers nor are all of them in poverty as the media might have us believe.

Adoption often changes these stereotypes and makes our understanding and love for birth parents grow. Understanding that, more often than not, birth parents are looking at the best interest of their child is enormous in changing the hearts of those who believe poor media stereotypes. I cannot count how many times people have been shocked by how wonderful their child’s birth parents are. This is largely the reason why open adoption is becoming much more popular. As these stereotypes are being shattered, people’s minds and hearts towards birth parents and open adoption are changing dramatically. 

2. Family Acceptance

When my family first learned we would adopt, I remember being slightly discouraged at how unexcited they were. It wasn’t that they were not happy for us, however, they did not know what to expect. It seemed there was a bit of a fear that they may not feel the same for children who were adopted as they would children who had been born into the family. It was not a malicious feeling, just a normal anxiety.

I sat with my mother yesterday, watching my youngest son jump in mud puddles. We adopted him at birth and he has been the light of our life ever since. While he may not look like us, he is every bit of a member of the family. My mom noted in this moment that she has been worried about how she might feel once he came home, however she now cannot imagine life without him. Adoption changes the hearts of family members who may think that love only comes from DNA. Love is born in many ways and nurtured through time.

3. The Image of Family

My youngest two children have two moms. They have two dads and four grandmas. They have countless siblings, some of whom I am not the mother to, and too many cousins to count. Adoption creates families. That is easily understood by anyone. However, adoption is not the destruction of one family to begin another. Some view adoption as a “new life.” Yet, my children had a life before me. They had a family before me. Though they were adopted very young, their story began before me and should not have to end for my pride.

I did not understand before adoption how I would “share” my children. How do I bear to share the title of “mom”? Yet, she is their mom and her relationship will be very different than the one they have with me. It does not hurt me in any way that they have more people to love them. My heart changed as I understood the importance of letting their story continue instead of making it start over. Adoption should expand family and love, not break it to begin anew.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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1. Be open about your adoption experience.

I’ve found that one of the best ways to be a voice for adoption is to be open about your adoption journey. I love it when people ask me questions so that I can encourage them in their journey or possibly even correct thoughts and perceptions that people may have towards adoption. However open I may be, I am careful not to tell every detail of my boys’ stories. Adoption comes from a hard place no matter the circumstances of the adoption. The “hard to understand stuff” is part of their story, but it is THEIR story to tell when they are old enough to decide if they want to share. Being open is wonderful, just remember to do it with tact and grace and remember that not all the dirty laundry needs to be aired.

2. Educate yourself.

In order to talk intelligently about adoption, you need to keep up to date with popular adoption stories, facts, and trends. Once people learn that you have adopted, they will ask your thoughts on current adoption events.  Reading adoption articles or books helps you to compare varying viewpoints and learn about other facets of the adoption experience that may be different than your own. 

3. Find a writing or speaking platform.

Maybe you are good with words, written or oral. Take the things that you know about adoption and encourage others worldwide. Start a blog that focuses on adoption or become a freelance writer for a company that focuses on all aspects of adoption. You could even write a book detailing your adoption story. Once you develop a platform, opportunities may arise for you to speak to groups about adoption culture and your journey. You have a voice, use it.

4. Support other adoptive families.

Think back to when you were beginning your adoption journey. What support did you receive from your community? What support was lacking and you wished had been there? You can help those new to the adoption journey by

• supporting the fundraising endeavors of prospective adoptive parents
• offering to make meals or help with laundry/housework when they arrive home with their newly adopted child
• reminding the adoptive family that you are praying for them
• joining an adoption support group or Facebook group to surround yourself with others in the adoption community

You may think that your experience and knowledge is not important. Any time that you can speak a positive word for adoption and promote understanding of adoption culture, you can make a difference. You never know how your story may be the one that encourages a family to step out and change a child’s life forever.

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Acknowledge each step. Allow yourself to feel it, and then move on to something good! Sometimes that takes some work. Here are six steps to take you in the right direction.

1.  Talk to someone who has walked where you are. There is a benefit to social media. It is fairly simple to find like-minded people out there. Find them! Lean on one another and share strength.

2. Consider seeing a counselor and work through not just your grief, but also a plan for your future.

3. Serve somewhere. It is almost impossible to be depressed when you are serving others. Opportunities abound in every neighborhood. Find somewhere to use your talents. 

4. Write it down. Don’t hold it all inside. Let it out and write it down. Writing is cathartic, but so is reading it later.

5. Get busy. Go back to school, get a new job, or take up a new hobby! Fill the time with something that will take you in a positive direction.

6. Stay away from negative influences. Grief can pull you down far enough don’t let negative people or habits make things worse.

Grieving isn’t going to just go away. It is something that needs to be treated and attacked. You have done something wonderful, now it is time to purposefully attack life and make it wonderful.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit PregnancyHotline.org or call 1-800-GLADNEY. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs. 

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1. You Are in Crisis.

Sometimes a transition includes crises such as unexpected pregnancies, abusive relationships, victimization, a trauma, an episode of mental illness, a new diagnosis of physical illness or disability, addiction, or any other stressful situation that has reached the breaking point. A counselor can help you find the resources you might need to help you through these crises. They can also help you make better decisions for yourself to ensure your safety and well-being. In other less serious crises such as loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, job loss, it can be helpful to talk with a counselor who is unbiased and able to support you through the event and clear your thinking for your next steps.

2. You Need to Make a Big Decision.

Life is nothing more than a multitude of decisions. Sadly, some people have not been taught how to process through making these decisions. Often we do not have the support of family or friends who can give us accurate information that could completely change the decisions and outcomes we make. These decisions can be as big as deciding to place your child for adoption, having an abortion, abandoning your child, or parenting your child alone. It also includes leaving home and adjusting to adulthood, choosing a career, preparing for marriage, coping with an illness or disability, or transitioning to retirement. Career counseling, premarital/couples/family counseling, skill development (e.g., assertiveness training, anger management, stress management, parenting), finding resources, and identifying supports can be helpful during these transition periods

3. You Feel Stuck. 

You might also come to counseling because you feel you have no one else to turn to for help. There are so many different issues that might be too big to take to family or friends. This can include simple things like overcoming bad habits or bad decision making. Maybe you keep repeating the same kind of bad relationships or make bad choices with negative consequences. Essentially you might feel powerless to make different decisions to change your situation and need support to learn new ways of coping.

4. You Need Support.

Counseling is also good at providing emotional and social supports. Counselors are aware of the community resources available near you and can help you connect. Everyone needs healthy relationships and strong support networks outside their family. A counselor can also recommend the appropriate group therapy that offers one a sense of belonging with other people who have similar experiences as you.

5. You Want to Understand Yourself Better.

There are some who want to make sense and find deeper meaning to their life. A person can go to counseling to explore past traumas, process feelings, understand how their life experiences have shaped who they are today and more.

As you can see, counseling is an opportunity to get support from an unbiased professional. You can get help in crisis or learn more about yourself and become a happier and healthier person. It isn’t a lifelong commitment or a place to be judged. Seeking the support of a counselor is a responsible decision one can make that helps them to move through a difficult spot in life. A good way to find a counselor or therapist in your area includes searching on www.psychologytoday.com. On the site, you can put in your zip code and see a listing of professionals in your area. The listing also identifies what types of issues each therapist works with, the types of insurance they take and contact information.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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In most states, adoptions require that the birth father’s consent be given if possible. If the birth mother does not know or claims to not know who the birth father is or where he is, it is typically required that an advertisement be placed in the local paper asking for the father to come forward. It is usually required that this ad run for 30 days. 

If the ad remains unanswered, a father’s rights may be terminated. If the ad is answered, a father typically has to prove his fitness to parent. Herein lies a large argument of those who feel that birth fathers to do have equal rights. A birth mother simply has to assert her right to parent if she decides not to place her child. She is not required to prove her fitness as a parent or fight for her child.

Even if the birth father knows about the pregnancy and asserts his right to parent, it is still not as simple as simply choosing to parent. If the potential birth mother wants to place her child for adoption, the father again has to prove that he can provide a home for the child, his parental fitness, and his ability to provide for the mother during her pregnancy. These requirements may be especially hard and biased against teenage birth fathers. If the birth father cannot provide adequately for mother and child based on the standards of the court, he may not have any say in his child being placed. While birth fathers do have rights in adoption and the courts are beginning to rule more in favor of family, the rights of birth fathers have a long way to go to be equal or comparable to the rights of birth mothers.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

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In a typical adoption, if a birth father is not aware of the pregnancy, he really has no way of knowing his child may be placed for adoption. A birth mother can simply state she doesn’t know who the father is. In this case, an ad will be placed in the classified section of a newspaper, typically for 30 days, to see if there is any response. This whole process is quite ridiculous and underhanded in my opinion. Who reads the newspaper classifieds anymore? What are the chances a birth father would see the ad? Even if he does, in most cases he will have to petition for custody of his child to stop the adoption proceedings and show that he can provide for the child and the mother during the pregnancy. A birth mother would simply be able to parent, no questions asked. Fathers are required to prove themselves to the state. 

If a birth father is involved with the adoption placement and even provides his consent, there are little to no services provided to him. While a birth mother may receive compensation for living expenses, counseling, and other services, the birth father is needed for consent and usually nothing else. The birth father is not often included in talks about open adoption, selecting prospective adoptive parents, etc unless the birth mother makes this request.

Just as a birth mother is no less a mother because she chooses to place her child, a birth father is still the child’s father as well. While there are adoptions that occur where one or both birth parents are not involved or need to have limited rights for safety reasons, many times both birth parents are placing out of a love for their child and a place of necessity. Fathers should not be treated as second class when it comes to their importance to the adoption process or their importance to their children simply because that has what society has always demanded. It is time for change in the rights of fathers who want the right to be heard and love their children.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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Little did I know that when I placed my first born for adoption, it would prepare me for my time in motherhood. I placed my daughter for adoption in 1994. By 2000, I had walked out of the hospital with two beautiful babies. One was born June of 1999, and the other was born December 2000. I was able to do and see all the things that I didn’t have the chance to experience with my first child. It was amazing. I learned to hold them a little tighter, and stare at them a little longer.

May of 2002, I had a devastating miscarriage. Leaving the hospital that day, in some ways, was like leaving the hospital in 1994. I wouldn’t be able to hold him at night and tell him all the things I would teach him. I wouldn’t be able to just stare at him in amazement when he figured out how to do something new. I wouldn’t be able to tell him how much I love him. All the same things I missed out on when I placed her for adoption.

Please understand that it was still hard, without a doubt, but I was better equipped to handle this loss because of what I went through as a birth mother. It gave me a kind of peace about how to deal with the death of my baby boy. The circumstances surrounding the miscarriage are something I will never be able to forget or really work through. Thankfully though, I was able to understand the grief better and manage it in a much healthier way.

During the process of placing my daughter for adoption, I learned that not talking about her or the adoption would make it more difficult to cope with. I carried that over to my miscarriage. I will talk about it with anyone, because my son’s life matters, short as it was. Adoption or death, they need to stay a part of my everyday life. So, if you ever see me, please ask me about my beautiful children.

If you enjoyed this story and would like to read more stories about being a birth mother, click here for a free eBook.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

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