And then you hit a roadblock.

It’s like being thrown off of your bicycle at 150 mph face first into a mud puddle and slowly sink neck deep; you have no idea how it happened because it happened so quickly, but there you are, struggling to understand what happened and wrap your mind around it and struggling to get to your feet.

I’d love to be able to tell any adoptive parent-to-be that every adoption is magical and perfect and it’s like a scene out of the most beloved movie you’ve ever seen, but unfortunately, I can’t tell you that in good conscience. What I can tell you is the truth.

Like every other aspect of your life and the decisions you make every day, the path to becoming a parent after making the decision to adopt can be filled with a lot of things you never expected. Some of the obstacles are mild while others might make you challenge your decision to proceed. Rest assured though, if you have enough love in your heart to want to bring a child into your home, the love and support of family and friends, the support and dedication of your adoption agency or team, every obstacle in your way will only be a stepping stone in your journey of making your vision a reality. 

Focus on what’s important when facing each difficulty – most likely if you’ve made the decision to adopt the thing that will be most important is to have your own child to love, adore and raise. Try to remain calm, cool and collected and make sure you’re gathering the right facts about the given situation so that you’ll best know how to proceed. Remember to always talk to others: your family and friends, your support group, your adoption team, get their input; it’s okay to ask for help. Find ways to completely understand the situation in order to overcome and move on.

I can tell you from my own personal experience, my husband and I hit a few pretty big hazards in our own story, some brought me to my knees in excruciating pain while others were just simple little nothings. Looking back on it now, some of the smallest trials seemed like mountains at the time. We were really blessed to have a lot of people in our corner, a lot of love from family and friends, and significant support, encouragement and, guidance from our adoption counselor. Our counselor was a huge asset to have in our corner, helping us through every single step of the way to understand what we were facing, how to best approach and resolve each issue as it came, and what our options were once we made our decision on any given situation. Having the right support from the right people will make all the difference in your story.

Just remember, you’ve already made the biggest decision: the decision to adopt a child. everything that follows after that decision will all be part of your story. Being a parent is more amazing than mere words can ever express.

Considering adoption? Let us help you on your journey to creating your forever family. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post What To Do When Adoption Gets Tough appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

1. Stereotypes

When we see adoption in media such as tv shows and movies, it is often shown in the context that a child placed for adoption is in need of rescue. The birth family is typically displayed as neglectful, dirty, cold, and heartless. The child is often shown as dirty and abused. While neglect does happen, many children who are placed for adoption have birth parents who love them deeply. The decision to place a child does not come from a place of not wanting their child or not loving them. Many birth parents are not substance abusers nor are all of them in poverty as the media might have us believe.

Adoption often changes these stereotypes and makes our understanding and love for birth parents grow. Understanding that, more often than not, birth parents are looking at the best interest of their child is enormous in changing the hearts of those who believe poor media stereotypes. I cannot count how many times people have been shocked by how wonderful their child’s birth parents are. This is largely the reason why open adoption is becoming much more popular. As these stereotypes are being shattered, people’s minds and hearts towards birth parents and open adoption are changing dramatically. 

2. Family Acceptance

When my family first learned we would adopt, I remember being slightly discouraged at how unexcited they were. It wasn’t that they were not happy for us, however, they did not know what to expect. It seemed there was a bit of a fear that they may not feel the same for children who were adopted as they would children who had been born into the family. It was not a malicious feeling, just a normal anxiety.

I sat with my mother yesterday, watching my youngest son jump in mud puddles. We adopted him at birth and he has been the light of our life ever since. While he may not look like us, he is every bit of a member of the family. My mom noted in this moment that she has been worried about how she might feel once he came home, however she now cannot imagine life without him. Adoption changes the hearts of family members who may think that love only comes from DNA. Love is born in many ways and nurtured through time.

3. The Image of Family

My youngest two children have two moms. They have two dads and four grandmas. They have countless siblings, some of whom I am not the mother to, and too many cousins to count. Adoption creates families. That is easily understood by anyone. However, adoption is not the destruction of one family to begin another. Some view adoption as a “new life.” Yet, my children had a life before me. They had a family before me. Though they were adopted very young, their story began before me and should not have to end for my pride.

I did not understand before adoption how I would “share” my children. How do I bear to share the title of “mom”? Yet, she is their mom and her relationship will be very different than the one they have with me. It does not hurt me in any way that they have more people to love them. My heart changed as I understood the importance of letting their story continue instead of making it start over. Adoption should expand family and love, not break it to begin anew.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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1. Deciding to Adopt

Beginning the process of adoption is filled with all the emotions of hope, longing, and the beautiful fulfillment of (for me) a lifelong dream of being a mother. My hubby wasn’t exactly on board for about the first 15 or so years that I would bring up adoption, so the day he finally said yes, I ran with it.  You have the exhilaration of the beginning of a wonderful voyage and the frustration of researching the best avenue for your family.

2. The Home Study Process

Once you have filled out reams and reams of paper, you will finally have a home visit. You’ll clean like a madman, and you’ll need the adrenaline and good vibes to get you through that. Once the social workers leave you’ll begin to worry that the back hall closet wasn’t organized just right and that maybe your hair will make you the wrong kind of mom. Sounds preposterous, right? Welcome to the roller coaster.

3. The Matching Process

Depending on what type of adoption you pursue, and what agency you choose, there will be some safeguards in place. We decided ahead of time that we were worried about certain types of exposure and wanted to be asked whether we were shown to a prospective birth mom. Just knowing that there’s a possibility of a baby out there for you, it’s the best feeling in the world. And you will be on Cloud 9. Once you start processing all the information, whether you feel you can take on two sets of twins, work full time, find daycare for them, and your three-year-old son and their special needs, you’ll feel the soaring highs and the despairing lows realizing that perhaps five kids ages 3 and under is a bit much. 

4. Saying No

For us, this was the ultimate difficulty. Knowing that we just didn’t live in an area with enough resources, that we were only two people with too little experience, and a young son to consider as well. Knowing that you just aren’t the right parents for a certain little one after numerous calls to your pediatrician, therapists, experienced friends. The guilt nearly killed us every time.

5. The Match and Placement

There is no high as high as knowing that you have been chosen to parent a child. Whether matched with a birth mother, or by a social worker with a toddler you never knew you needed, it’s a beautiful day. The joy of knowing that you have a very short time to prepare for the arrival of your child. Buying an entire nursery in a matter of a day to make sure you’ll be ready for this new little one. Pulling out bins and bins of clothes, not knowing what size you’ll need, to make sure this little guy feels safe and loved. Then that magical day when you see his or her face for the first time. Knowing that the path to you has been paved in heartache but the happiness of home lies ahead. Holding them, feeding them, every single first you can think of. It is the ultimate culmination of fear, trepidation, joy, ignorant bliss.

Do you feel there is a hole in your heart that can only be filled by a child? We’ve helped complete 32,000+ adoptions. We would love to help you through your adoption journey. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post Top Ways Adoption is like a Roller Coaster appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

In my work, I work with all types of adoptions and adoptive families. Much of the work I do revolves around infant placements. When I am talking about ongoing relationships with birth parents and adoptive parents one of the biggest things I try to point out is that they can make decisions but eventually it is going to be up to the adoptee and they are going to have to respect that, even if it is not what they had necessarily agreed to or what. I also do a large amount of work around post-adoption education and support. Many of the kiddos and families I work within this setting have adopted internationally or through the foster care system. This is a whole different scenario where birth families may not have been known or children were removed involuntarily for safety reasons. However, even in these cases, the adoptee’s voice needs to be heard.

When I think about my voice as an adoptee, I think it boils down to one thing. This is my story. It is not my parent’s story; it is not my birth parent’s story. I was the one who was adopted. We are the ones who were adopted. I cannot speak for every adoptee out there. We are all different, have our own thoughts and perspectives, but I think the one thing that we can all agree on is that adoption is our personal story. I think that is the most important thing for people to realize and why my voice matters the most. It is my story to tell. It is my decision if I want to have a relationship with my birth family. It is my decision if I want to search for my birth family. It is my feelings that are involved. No one has the “right” to tell me how to feel or not feel. 

I think oftentimes the adoptee’s voice is somewhat forgotten. Think about it. Decisions are made for us. Our families were “decided for us.” Some were selected by the birth family, some by the state or local department of social services, and others by a country’s government. In some ways the decision was already made about what type of relationship we were going to have with our birth families. I understand that these types of decisions are out of our control; however, as adoptees get older their voice needs to be heard. If they want to search for their birth family then adoptive parents need to be supportive. State and Government entities need to make it easier for this to happen. Because ultimately, the only one left hurt is the adoptee.

To my fellow adoptee: let your voice be heard. Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard. Remember whatever your thoughts or feelings are around your adoption they are your thoughts and feelings. There is no wrong way to think and feel. Adoption is filled with both joys and losses. Each of us adoptees feels differently about that. We feel differently about what we have lost and differently about what we have gained. Don’t let anyone else tell you how you are supposed to feel. I have often heard over the years; “well, if I was you I would…” well guess what, that person is not me. No one can say what they would do if they were in my shoes. Only I can determine that. I love my adoption story. I happily share it with anyone who wants to hear it and hope others learn/can be helped from it. But that is my decision to make and my story to share.   

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit PregnancyHotline.org or call 1-800-GLADNEY. 

The post Why the Adoptee is the Most Important Voice in Adoption appeared first on Adoption Voices | Quotes, Stories, Process, Adopt a baby.

1. Be open about your adoption experience.

I’ve found that one of the best ways to be a voice for adoption is to be open about your adoption journey. I love it when people ask me questions so that I can encourage them in their journey or possibly even correct thoughts and perceptions that people may have towards adoption. However open I may be, I am careful not to tell every detail of my boys’ stories. Adoption comes from a hard place no matter the circumstances of the adoption. The “hard to understand stuff” is part of their story, but it is THEIR story to tell when they are old enough to decide if they want to share. Being open is wonderful, just remember to do it with tact and grace and remember that not all the dirty laundry needs to be aired.

2. Educate yourself.

In order to talk intelligently about adoption, you need to keep up to date with popular adoption stories, facts, and trends. Once people learn that you have adopted, they will ask your thoughts on current adoption events.  Reading adoption articles or books helps you to compare varying viewpoints and learn about other facets of the adoption experience that may be different than your own. 

3. Find a writing or speaking platform.

Maybe you are good with words, written or oral. Take the things that you know about adoption and encourage others worldwide. Start a blog that focuses on adoption or become a freelance writer for a company that focuses on all aspects of adoption. You could even write a book detailing your adoption story. Once you develop a platform, opportunities may arise for you to speak to groups about adoption culture and your journey. You have a voice, use it.

4. Support other adoptive families.

Think back to when you were beginning your adoption journey. What support did you receive from your community? What support was lacking and you wished had been there? You can help those new to the adoption journey by

• supporting the fundraising endeavors of prospective adoptive parents
• offering to make meals or help with laundry/housework when they arrive home with their newly adopted child
• reminding the adoptive family that you are praying for them
• joining an adoption support group or Facebook group to surround yourself with others in the adoption community

You may think that your experience and knowledge is not important. Any time that you can speak a positive word for adoption and promote understanding of adoption culture, you can make a difference. You never know how your story may be the one that encourages a family to step out and change a child’s life forever.

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It is true that adoption counselors aren’t garden fairies with magical wings and pixie dust, though it would make the entire process a bit more entertaining if they were. Instead, they are just people, like you or I, and when you find the perfect match, like we did, it may seem like that perfect fairy tale moment where the heavens open and angelic songs ring through the land. Finding the right counselor won’t just happen for you by accident…or maybe it will; ours did…it literally took a  car accident to lead us to our perfect counselor.

Our adoption fairy came to us at the unsolicited advice of a receptionist who got to know us after my husband had a very serious car accident. Over the course of several months, she got to know about us and learned we had decided to adopt. At that pivotal moment, she handed us what in essence was our magic card: it was the business card of our soon-to-be adoption counselor.

We had been researching and interviewing a good number of agencies and they were all the same; they just wanted our mailing address to ship a package…there wasn’t any time for questions. Our adoption fairy was completely different than all the rest…she was like finding your perfect wedding dress (ladies), or buying your dream car (gentlemen)…it was a natural, easy, magical connection instantly; we both just KNEW.

Regardless if I had a question–or my husband, my mother, or my mother-in-law–she provided us with an answer. We might not have always liked the answer; it wasn’t always the one we wanted or hoped to hear, but we knew it was always truthful and straightforward…and that was important to us.

1. Research is always key in anything you do in life, and with technology and the ease of finding anything you want to find on the computer, it is an essential first step.

2. Talk to people you know and trust, people who know you at your core and what makes you, you. Solicit their advice on their experiences. Heaven knows how many people I sent along to our own magical counselor.

3. Make sure you have a list of questions to ask about the important things you’re looking to find out about your counselor, the agency, and how business is conducted. It’s okay not to know where to start, but once you interview one or two, you should get an idea of what is truly important to you.

4. Go in and have a face-to-face meeting with the counselor; we did this several times. It’s amazing how a face-to-face interaction with you, your partner, and the potential counselor makes or breaks the deal.

5. And finally, go with your heart. If the angelic music is playing, the butterflies are lifting for flight in your stomach, and the heavens open up and smile upon you…odds are you’ve found the right match. Nobody can tell you what counselor will be best for you other than you.

Adoption is an emotional journey; there are so many highs and lows, unexpected questions, twists and turns. If you have done your due diligence and followed your heart, though, the right adoption counselor will be right beside you at every turn, and he/she will feel like they are your own personal adoption counselor.

After all these years, we still consider our counselor one of our very dearest friends.

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The enormous amount of support we received from family and friends was overwhelming at times and so genuinely appreciated, but one person, after 12 years, still stands out to me as being the one person essential to our story…our adoption counselor. I know, I know…you might have expected that I say it was my mother or my husband or even my best friend, and although each of those people was important, our counselor was the one person I needed the most throughout our adoption process.

We found our counselor before we found the agency through a recommendation of someone who knew our story. Coming from the other side of an adoption as a birth mother, she couldn’t say enough about the woman who eventually became our own counselor–representing us…the adoptive parents…and that spoke volumes to me. 

Upon our first conversation, we instantly connected. She took a sincere interest in us and our desire to start our family. She was kind, loving, supportive, understanding, and loyal. She never wavered on any point from being our number one support figure, regardless of what we faced. When we had news…she was the one who brought it to us…not only did she deliver the news, she celebrated with us, she laughed  and cried with us. When I didn’t have answers, she helped me find them through research, learning from others who had experienced a given situation, and introducing what she found to us. She was inspirational, supportive, kind…everything that I needed…as I needed it and whenever I needed it. She became a member of our family too.

Looking back on the beginning of our adoption story, so many people played important support roles in it but hers was the strongest of them all. Although she’d walked this line with many other families before ours, she always made time for me whenever I needed her advice, support, help, her shoulder, or her ear. She was my rock when I needed one; she was my friend when I needed that; she was my confident when I struggled, and my counselor when I was weak. She was my inspiration and my cheer squad, my support beam and my favorite blanket all rolled up into one. She was always true to herself and always loyal to me. Everyone is deserving of their own angel, I was truly blessed to have been lead to mine.

Almost 13 years later, we still keep in touch. I know her family and she knows mine…not just the family she helped to create…but my parents, my friends, my extended family and I know her parents, her brother, her friends and her own family. We have become intertwined in each other’s lives. Who would have ever guessed?

They say that people come in and go out of our lives. Some people stay for just a short while, and others stay around for the long term; I’ve been so blessed to find someone who continues to walk by my side and continues to be a part of our story, and I still call her friend.

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Acknowledge each step. Allow yourself to feel it, and then move on to something good! Sometimes that takes some work. Here are six steps to take you in the right direction.

1.  Talk to someone who has walked where you are. There is a benefit to social media. It is fairly simple to find like-minded people out there. Find them! Lean on one another and share strength.

2. Consider seeing a counselor and work through not just your grief, but also a plan for your future.

3. Serve somewhere. It is almost impossible to be depressed when you are serving others. Opportunities abound in every neighborhood. Find somewhere to use your talents. 

4. Write it down. Don’t hold it all inside. Let it out and write it down. Writing is cathartic, but so is reading it later.

5. Get busy. Go back to school, get a new job, or take up a new hobby! Fill the time with something that will take you in a positive direction.

6. Stay away from negative influences. Grief can pull you down far enough don’t let negative people or habits make things worse.

Grieving isn’t going to just go away. It is something that needs to be treated and attacked. You have done something wonderful, now it is time to purposefully attack life and make it wonderful.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit PregnancyHotline.org or call 1-800-GLADNEY. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs. 

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1. You Are in Crisis.

Sometimes a transition includes crises such as unexpected pregnancies, abusive relationships, victimization, a trauma, an episode of mental illness, a new diagnosis of physical illness or disability, addiction, or any other stressful situation that has reached the breaking point. A counselor can help you find the resources you might need to help you through these crises. They can also help you make better decisions for yourself to ensure your safety and well-being. In other less serious crises such as loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, job loss, it can be helpful to talk with a counselor who is unbiased and able to support you through the event and clear your thinking for your next steps.

2. You Need to Make a Big Decision.

Life is nothing more than a multitude of decisions. Sadly, some people have not been taught how to process through making these decisions. Often we do not have the support of family or friends who can give us accurate information that could completely change the decisions and outcomes we make. These decisions can be as big as deciding to place your child for adoption, having an abortion, abandoning your child, or parenting your child alone. It also includes leaving home and adjusting to adulthood, choosing a career, preparing for marriage, coping with an illness or disability, or transitioning to retirement. Career counseling, premarital/couples/family counseling, skill development (e.g., assertiveness training, anger management, stress management, parenting), finding resources, and identifying supports can be helpful during these transition periods

3. You Feel Stuck. 

You might also come to counseling because you feel you have no one else to turn to for help. There are so many different issues that might be too big to take to family or friends. This can include simple things like overcoming bad habits or bad decision making. Maybe you keep repeating the same kind of bad relationships or make bad choices with negative consequences. Essentially you might feel powerless to make different decisions to change your situation and need support to learn new ways of coping.

4. You Need Support.

Counseling is also good at providing emotional and social supports. Counselors are aware of the community resources available near you and can help you connect. Everyone needs healthy relationships and strong support networks outside their family. A counselor can also recommend the appropriate group therapy that offers one a sense of belonging with other people who have similar experiences as you.

5. You Want to Understand Yourself Better.

There are some who want to make sense and find deeper meaning to their life. A person can go to counseling to explore past traumas, process feelings, understand how their life experiences have shaped who they are today and more.

As you can see, counseling is an opportunity to get support from an unbiased professional. You can get help in crisis or learn more about yourself and become a happier and healthier person. It isn’t a lifelong commitment or a place to be judged. Seeking the support of a counselor is a responsible decision one can make that helps them to move through a difficult spot in life. A good way to find a counselor or therapist in your area includes searching on www.psychologytoday.com. On the site, you can put in your zip code and see a listing of professionals in your area. The listing also identifies what types of issues each therapist works with, the types of insurance they take and contact information.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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In most states, adoptions require that the birth father’s consent be given if possible. If the birth mother does not know or claims to not know who the birth father is or where he is, it is typically required that an advertisement be placed in the local paper asking for the father to come forward. It is usually required that this ad run for 30 days. 

If the ad remains unanswered, a father’s rights may be terminated. If the ad is answered, a father typically has to prove his fitness to parent. Herein lies a large argument of those who feel that birth fathers to do have equal rights. A birth mother simply has to assert her right to parent if she decides not to place her child. She is not required to prove her fitness as a parent or fight for her child.

Even if the birth father knows about the pregnancy and asserts his right to parent, it is still not as simple as simply choosing to parent. If the potential birth mother wants to place her child for adoption, the father again has to prove that he can provide a home for the child, his parental fitness, and his ability to provide for the mother during her pregnancy. These requirements may be especially hard and biased against teenage birth fathers. If the birth father cannot provide adequately for mother and child based on the standards of the court, he may not have any say in his child being placed. While birth fathers do have rights in adoption and the courts are beginning to rule more in favor of family, the rights of birth fathers have a long way to go to be equal or comparable to the rights of birth mothers.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

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